Monday, January 23, 2006

resolved? unresolved?

I just read a friend's blog, a girl whom I thought I know fairly well, but now, apparently not that well. Although I know it should come as no surprise, but frankly I'm amazed at how many people out there who are going through certain hard issues, namely unreciprocated love. This friend of mine, let's call her.. umm... well, Nemo! Ok.. so, Nemo, on the outside is quite a cheerful person, all smiles and laughter and all. U noe, like Miss Mary Sunshine or something. But, I'm quite surprised to discover that she too, struggles with her feelings towards someone that only regards her as a friend. I mean, I'm amazed that she hides it so well, I never knew about it. I dont think I'm as capable as she is when it comes to keeping a plastic face.. u noe.. hide behind smiles and all that.

Strolling down memory lane

It's been about 4 months now, and I'm not sure if I can say that I've fully moved on, but I guess I'm making fine progress. Concerned friends who knew about it recently asked me whether I'm finally ok, and, talking to them about it, and answering their questions made me think of everything that I havent been thinking about for these past 2 months or so. I'm sad that it came to this in the end, I'm sad that after everything that I went through, he doesnt even know. I gave all of my love to that person, but he still remains blind and couldnt see it. I'm sad that I came out of this experience with a very low self-esteem. It made me feel ugly and unworthy of anyone. I always thought that I'll never succumb to that stupidity of letting any guy let me down, but I did. Big time.

Looking back, I wouldnt wish it upon anyone. I'm not usually that emotional/crybaby/high-strung, but sigh... that was exactly how I was when it happened. I almost couldnt cope. I was and maybe still am experiencing all the stages of emotion when death is imminent .. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. I felt like such a weak person. Why it had to happen to me, I dont know. After all, I'm not exactly the world's strongest person. I bawled and barely manage to crawl my way out of the whole mess. And boy.. such a mess!

The thing is, I still dont think that he's perfect. Maybe there's no such thing. He drives me crazy sometimes, so why did I still fall for him? Ah.. the ways of the stubborn heart.

The peak of that emotional period was 2 months ago.. now, it's just a dull ache. With time it'll go away I'm sure. I dont really regret the fact that my heart decided that HE was the one, but I do regret how the whole issue affected the relationship between me and the girl that he has feelings for, otherwise known as my so-called rival. (It's a love triangle remember?) It got so strained in the end, what's with the cardinal rule of "no boy should ever drive 2 girls apart". It's like the 2 of us were trying so hard not to hurt each other, trying not to hurt the friendship.. but inside we're torn apart by the pretence. I say "go ahead if u feel the same way as he does" and she says "no, no.. i'll never do that to u". Haha.. u noe.. we were like saints-wannabe.

Hey, I smiled as I typed that last bit, so I guess that's a good sign. I wish her well now, wherever she may be.

"Sigh.. Here I go again, I promise I wouldnt think of u today" - Michelle


deborah said...

hey Daph...was blog visitin..interestin blog u got here=)!!
And,yes..i really DO know how u feel,cause ive been there.The thing is,i had to walk around smile plastered on my face and no one knew,perhaps i thought it would hav been better that way...but you'll get out of it in ONE piece,believe me.sometimes i dont like the fact that girls hav to like guys..haha=P..but is has made me MUCH more careful.i guess we learn valueble lessons from things that really bite us..

Daphie said...

hey debs,

rilly great to hear from u(!), n thanks for dropping by. yeah, i guess i cud say tat i became a stronger person thru it all. and now, u noe wat, i'm not gonna even bother abt it anymore. currently, sem 3 is wayy.. more interesting than him. LOL. take care, debs, and enjoy ur hols n doin ur elective. see u when u get bak!! *hug*