Monday, January 23, 2006
I just read a friend's blog, a girl whom I thought I know fairly well, but now, apparently not that well. Although I know it should come as no surprise, but frankly I'm amazed at how many people out there who are going through certain hard issues, namely unreciprocated love. This friend of mine, let's call her.. umm... well, Nemo! Ok.. so, Nemo, on the outside is quite a cheerful person, all smiles and laughter and all. U noe, like Miss Mary Sunshine or something. But, I'm quite surprised to discover that she too, struggles with her feelings towards someone that only regards her as a friend. I mean, I'm amazed that she hides it so well, I never knew about it. I dont think I'm as capable as she is when it comes to keeping a plastic face.. u noe.. hide behind smiles and all that.
Strolling down memory lane
It's been about 4 months now, and I'm not sure if I can say that I've fully moved on, but I guess I'm making fine progress. Concerned friends who knew about it recently asked me whether I'm finally ok, and, talking to them about it, and answering their questions made me think of everything that I havent been thinking about for these past 2 months or so. I'm sad that it came to this in the end, I'm sad that after everything that I went through, he doesnt even know. I gave all of my love to that person, but he still remains blind and couldnt see it. I'm sad that I came out of this experience with a very low self-esteem. It made me feel ugly and unworthy of anyone. I always thought that I'll never succumb to that stupidity of letting any guy let me down, but I did. Big time.
Looking back, I wouldnt wish it upon anyone. I'm not usually that emotional/crybaby/high-strung, but sigh... that was exactly how I was when it happened. I almost couldnt cope. I was and maybe still am experiencing all the stages of emotion when death is imminent
The thing is, I still dont think that he's perfect. Maybe there's no such thing. He drives me crazy sometimes, so why did I still fall for him? Ah.. the ways of the stubborn heart.
The peak of that emotional period was 2 months ago.. now, it's just a dull ache. With time it'll go away I'm sure. I dont really regret the fact that my heart decided that HE was the one, but I do regret how the whole issue affected the relationship between me and the girl that he has feelings for, otherwise known as my so-called rival. (It's a love triangle remember?) It got so strained in the end, what's with the cardinal rule of "no boy should ever drive 2 girls apart". It's like the 2 of us were trying so hard not to hurt each other, trying not to hurt the friendship.. but inside we're torn apart by the pretence. I say "go ahead if u feel the same way as he does" and she says "no, no.. i'll never do that to u". Haha.. u noe.. we were like saints-wannabe.
Hey, I smiled as I typed that last bit, so I guess that's a good sign. I wish her well now, wherever she may be.
"Sigh.. Here I go again, I promise I wouldnt think of u today" - Michelle