Monday, July 24, 2006
Iggy Anantha just passed me the Potter and Clay invitation kit on Saturday. It's been 2 weeks now since I made the decision to go for Potter and Clay, and I'm still as uncertain as I was 2 weeks ago.
I wish I can be like Jeremy, trusting and unquestioning. I wish I can hear God whispering to me like he had. I wish I can hear God telling me "Go, Daph. Dont worry."
As I opened and read the contents of the thick envelope, I have to say I was shaking a bit. It worries me so much. It worries me because I doubt my own ability, my own commitment to this programme. It worries me because Potter and Clay will require every inch of me; not only my time, but it will also affect me spiritually and mentally. That's what makes it quite scary; it's requires my full commitment and willingness to learn for the next 2 months. Yeah, I have to say, I can be quite a pessimist.
It's so ironic, because joining this programme is something that I really really want to do since I've known about it. But, seriously, you should have seen the questions that we have to answer. Questions that require one to do a lot of soul-searching, and honesty. Ben reckons that I should just be myself when I answer them, instead of spending hours thinking of the perfect responses. Maybe he's right. After all, it's not like the Potter and Clay people are strangers to me. I dont have to impress them right? The thing is, I'm not saying that Potter and Clay is this really exhausting programme. I'm looking forward to it, I really am. It's just that maybe I dont feel like I'm good enough for Potter and Clay. Maybe.
Bottom line: I want to go for Potter and Clay, I feel the calling to go for Potter and Clay, I am going to go for Potter and Clay, but God, please take away my doubts to go for Potter and Clay.
"I come on my knees to lay down before you
Bringing all that I am, longing only to know you
Seeking your face and not only your hand
I find you embracing me, just as I am."
-- "Audience of One" by Big Daddy Weave --