Monday, July 10, 2006

Warning: Labile Compound

If there's one thing that could make me geram more than anything else, I guess it would be generalisation. Nothing makes me geram more than hearing "You have always been like that..", or "You always.." True, maybe it's just a figure of speech, but it's also something that could make someone be on their defensive mode. No one likes to be accused of always doing something, when actually it's more like a tendency thing, get what I mean?

I'm tired of having to apologise when I'm being direct. I mean, it's not like I'm often like that. I'm the last person who would make confrontations. It's just that, when I do, people tend to dislike that. I dont mean no disrespect, I'm just admitting how I really feel. I certainly didnt have any intention to pick upa fight, or make someone mad. Far from it. So it confuses now to realise that peopole do actually think that I'm rude, insensitive, careless with words, yadda yadda yadda. I mean, seriously. I dont see anything wrong in that. It's not like I want to be bold, or outspoken. So, do correct me if I'm wrong, because in this instance, I certainly feel like what I said was justifiable. It's not like I said something as direct and blunt like "I dont like what you said." I just said that I dont feel comfortable hearing that. I tried to make it sound gentle, using all the right words, just trying to get them to understand.

It depresses me to think that I have to pretend like everything is alright. Is it wrong for me to have a stand on something? I dont think that it's right to suppress individuality. I dont think it's wrong to have opposing views. I guess, that as usual, you dont really have a clue on what I'm getting on here. I do realise that I'm speaking rather vaguely, but I just dont feel nice saying it all out for whoever to see. My blog is not as discreet and as private as I would like it to be, which is just too bad now isn't it?

I'm in this really weird phase of my life now when I feel like I'm reliving the teenage angst. The feeling like no one understands you. The annoying roller coaster of emotions; I could be happy one day, and down the next. In fact, I do bawl a lot lately, just out of the blue. I feel so out of control, and like I'm this really small boat, tossed around in the stormy seas. It's a sucky feeling, not being in control, which is just so ironic, considering the fact that I'll be 20 in just 2 days, and I distinctly remember that 20 year olds are associated with maturity and emotional stability, certainly not an incompetent nerve-wrecked blob.

Jesus, take the wheel.

It also irritates me that this latent teenage behaviour has reduced my fairly ok counselling capabilities to just a little over zero. The boys were talking to me yesterday, asking for guidance and advice to help make their decision about Potter and Clay. Unfortunately, I wasnt of much help, and I think it's because I'm just as blur and confused at the moment. So much of supposedly being the port in the storm.

Jesus, please please take the wheel.

Basically, I just dont really like myself at the moment. What a drag. Sigh! To think that I'm said to be mature and wise. If you could see me now...

"Baka daun dipuput ka ribut ngagai gentilang remang, terbai jauh nadai penuju." -- Maie