Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I chose to spend my lunch time in solitude today. Long after everyone else has left the lecture theatre, I was still inside, eating my home-cooked lunch (yes, I managed to hold on to my azam to cook til now), and reading my notes. It was weird, but it was a novel change. A fresh change from sitting and having lunch with people, having pointless conversations just to fill in the silence.

One thing I can tell you, being alone takes a lot of courage. It's not easy to try not to be in a certain clique (I've been talking about cliques a lot, it's so high school). It's not easy to be your own individual, and not just another face, another entity in a clique.

I've been daring myself to be alone, and see if I can stand not having anyone beside me. See if I can stand not blending in cliques like everyone else. Can be highly addictive.

Well, enough about solitude. I was alone in the first place today because my other half in class is still not ready to go about as normal, after suffering from a painful break-up just recently. I'm letting her be because I know she needs the rest. It's funny the fact that you dont know what to say to the heartbroken, despite ever being in the same wagon before. Maybe I dont know what to do or say now because she's normally a private person, and to see her cry and open up about so many things now, is, well... so different.

One day of course, in due time, she'll be able to look back and find this particular memory no longer poignant. I just hope she wont let the other person get her down. It's so easy to feel like the other person is so much prettier and all that, that at the end of the day, one's self-esteem gets shattered. I, for one, should know. Long after the pain is gone, the low self-confidence remains and it's so frustrating. As it is, I've been trying to deal with it, though it doesnt make meeting up with any old friends any easier. Can you imagine, scared of meeting up with old school friends cos you feel like you're ugly? Sounds absurd, I know, but it's hard not to feel that way. Going back for Christmas is going to be so hard.

Well, there I go again, rambling. As a final word, I just want to say that it's always sad when I see around me, couples who have been together for so long go their separate ways. I wish I know what else I can do for her right now.