Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Advent Conspiracy

I just came back from carolling around my residence hall here in James Blyth Court, but instead of feeling hyper, or glowing from the merriment, I'm finding myself oddly missing St Mungo's.
I long to smell the incense again.
I long to dip my finger in the holy water and make the sign of the Cross.
I long to sing the solemn hymns, to sing O Come Divine Messiah, the world in silence waits the day.
I long to kneel and bow my head in prayer.
I long to look up in rapture at the Blessed Sacrament.
I long to see the dear old priests, the seminarian, and the altar servers making their way up to the altar.
I want to see the dancing flames of the burning Advent candles.
I want to see the other parishioners as well; the Indian lady who gives head massages for a tenner, the uncle who drives the cab, the little girl who just got her first cassock.
I want to feel the comfort and peace.
I miss all these things.
Maybe at the end of the day, it boils down to me yearning to feel the spirit of Advent. The shopping's been great, the Christmas market been great, the TV jingles, but now that I think of it; it feels rather superficial and meaningless. Sitting in silence at a pew at St Mungo's, waiting for courage Sancte Spiritus to come to aid me say a confession in Father Augustine's ear, I realised that. (He seems less intimidating now by the way after the seminarian told me how he always sing in the shower.)

It's odd how life turns out to be. One day you think you have the best laid (life) plan, the next day your plans get disarrayed, and then you get completely off track. I, for one, didnt see this coming, this was not how I imagined my uni life to be.
Used to think hot guys, just like you see in the movies. Then I'll be in tons of parties, just like in the movies. And naturally, I would also be the life of the party, just like in the movies. I'll also be (insert cliches as appropriate here, I cant think of any), just like in the movies. But this is how it turned out to be, and I'm glad.
And I'm glad for the company of the seminarian that we have been seeing a lot of. First it was taize, then on to guiness and chips at molly malone's, apa khabars on sundays. And the nice girls I walk with in the cold every Sunday at 9.45am amen. Oh I'm rambling now cos I'm tired cos I have lab tomorrow but I dont wanna go because it's supposed to be the holidays and you dont spend days leading to Christmas in a boring old lab manipulating the less than a centimetre long rat's bladder tissue even if it's for research's sake which by the way you need to do to graduate hopefully in the summer and just so you know I am trying to gauge how much I can say before I really have to come to a complete full stop for lack of anything better to do I suppose I'm not sure maybe maybe I need to sleep aye that sounds good.


van said...

call him gareth! he's past that explanatory stage of 'the seminarian' :)

funny how things fall into place. we never really went out of our way for anyone and yet things still happen. grace.

i think i know what you mean. it wasnt being scared of fr augustine per se, more like being afraid of the act of confessing itself, taking away all self-justification and defence and excuse.

and ditto the uni life, i thought 'making the most of it' would be all partying and euphoria and impulsive energy. but this feels more... filling. like u said, vs superficial and meaningless.

oh but it raises up so many questions in me though. I still have uncertainty about God. but when things gradually click n fall into place, it's all the sweeter.

do u feel that nowadays the words 'let us have a moment of silence' carry so much more meaning?

(inilah akibat delete blog. comments become rambly haha. oh n u make good church walking n talking company too :) )