Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Crappy days are here again.

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And I seem to have the natural propensity for them.
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I am tired. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I feel stupid.


You have no idea.


Isnt't it a wonder how true cliches can be? Like this particular one. The fact that you may be surrounded by many many people, but still feel like you're alone. Still feel unloved. Still feel unwanted. I felt that today. I dont normally wish to go back in time, but right now, what would I give to feel the inner peace I used to feel. Or if I could, I wish I can fast track the time to when this would finally be over. But the fact remains, I cant. I no longer have yesterday, neither do I have tomorrow. What I only have is today. Or at least, what's left of today.
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St Faustina once said that nothing is as constant as suffering, and if you think about it, it's true. And it is sobering to realise again that no matter what I do to be happy and self-reliant, I will never be truly happy without God. Why I even bother trying to be self-dependent day by day is beyond me. When submitting is in essence, easier than resisting. Why resist peace? Why resist love? Why resist strength? In the past few weeks, the only times I felt truly at peace were when I was in church. Incidentally, those were the only times when I was actually praying too. Apart from going for Sunday masses, I havent been praying much. Saying grace before meals do not count.


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And I wonder why I get burned out so easily. Hmm.

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Manakan berjalan kereta kalau tak diisi minyaknya.
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