Sunday, February 10, 2008

Reflection: Mean Girls

Today is Sunday, the 5th day of Lent (although technically Sundays are not included in the 40 days of Lent.) Since the beginning of the season on Ash Wednesday, I have been breaking resolutions wayy faster than I could make new subsequent ones. On Wednesday I was fine. On Thursday I flapped my gob and actively participated in gossip. Oh. And gluttony. On Friday I idled time away. On Saturday not only did I idle my time away, I managed to lose my temper as well..
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God help me, I need to get my life back on track. If you're asking how I am doing now in life, to be honest, all I could think of are persistent images of myself as a small sailboat, lost in the vast ocean. Just aimlessly wobbling wobbling on the surface of turbulent waters. Where the wind blows, there I go, regardless la, whether it's right, or whether it's wrong. Even if I recognize in my heart that something is not right, I wouldnt have the guts to admit it, to say or to do something.
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Take for example, the crafty art of gossiping. Lest I be accused of being eager to cast a stone or point fingers, let me first and foremost admit; I am guilty of it. Make no mistake, I am painfully conscious of each slanderous word that come out of my mouth. With every word, I am fully aware of what I am saying and what I am doing, and I know in my heart that it is wrong, yet I do it. The good I ought to do, I do not do; the bad I ought not do, I do. The crux of the matter is that human beings have the innate proclivity to do wrong, myself included.
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Then I get resentful with myself, for compromising in what I believe and know firmly to be true, then I get resentful as well towards fellow gossipers (otherwise known as the rest of the general population, almost). It's not easy to live the life I know I ought to live, when the world points towards everything else but the very road that you wish to traverse. Wish but failed to. It's like you're trying to make your way through the mob of people adamant to get to the opposite side, and you get jostled around. To follow the crowd is easier, and as it stands, I am following the crowd. But I'm starting to feel this stark emptiness inside. The thing about malicious words is that, they can kill. They slander, they mar a person's identity. Do not everyone makes mistakes? So why are you playing casting stones now, as if you do not have flaws yourselves?
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In reality it scares me sometimes, especially when the conversation moves towards sensitive areas, like talking and speculating about mutual friends. When a person so readily dishes the dirt and assumes the worst of another friend, it makes you wonder whether this person can be trusted really. I for one, have to say, I do not trust her one bit, and isnt that sad when trust is broken? If today you were telling me about Miss A, I wouldn't be suprised if the next day when I wasnt around, you'll spill the goss about me to Miss A.
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But it's true. A relationship based on discussions about other people's lives is no relationship at all. This particular relationship that I'm having now is rather reminiscent of what I used to have when I was 13. New to secondary school and no friends yet, just acquaintances. Then I met a primary schoolmate, and another, and the three of us were initially inseparable. A would tell me things about B sometimes, and B would tell me things about A. But as expected of the foolishness of youth, I was naive. I didnt think much of things and thought them to be informative friends instead. If nothing else I didnt think much about telling them confidential things about myself. Until one day I accidentally saw a note on their table as I was passing by; on which A&B called me stupid and a fool, and many other things which I cannot now remember. They grew quiet, while I could just stare at them, so shocked, the piece of note trembling in my hands. There, friends, I gave you my heart and it was like you cast it aside and fed it to the dogs. Needless to say, I was extremely hurt and I left the group. And by the end of that year of 1999, A&B had a major falling out themselves - due to what else, one found out that other was backbiting her, and then there were none left.
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So now, I have belatedly realised that this is a very similar relationship. Once bitten, twice shy. And truly, I have been a fool for staying quiet about it as long as I have.
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Gossip. It's a synonym for perpetuation of lies and misconceptions about people , only, it's masked under the fa├žade of "being concerned". In simpler everyday words, gossip is masked as, "This is not called kepo, this is concern." Masked as essential for self-survival (can you believe it?) - the more you know about other people's indiscretions the better, the better equipped you are. And make no mistake, the things being spread around so casually like you're passing salt around the table are more often than not, hearsays and ungrounded rumours. Now I've heard a shocking one: "You know what, so and so got herself a hot boyfriend and they were all over each other. No wonder la, she has big boobs, of course la that guy want. What a slut! Bitch!"
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When I heard that particular one - I was just so shocked I wanted to cry because that is just downright wrong and cruel. Just on that basis, one is called a slut? And tell me again, how is gossip good or beneficial? Gossip is just that: It's when you hear something you like about someone that you dont. And I'm getting sick of it. Getting sick of the cycle of resentment, of fear that I'll be object of discussion next. If one was so ready to tell me, an almost stranger, about friends whom she's known for years, who's to say that the same wont be done to me? I'm sick of living a life of compromise. It's tiring trying to follow the Cross but trying to keep up with aspects of the world as well. This is me. And I've been battling this yo-yo life, this double personality for a while now. This must stop. I'm now choosing Truth, not lies.
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"each of them believes it's wrong to kill people, and every time they do it something in them twists and dies as well, as it happens when you devote your life doing something you know is wrong, over and over again" - van

6 comments:

van said...

ow damn pain yr words daph. we've all been guilty of this, and i think this goes more for girls. but thanks for the flip side - i needed that.

do we ever grow out of this?

oh thanks for the quote too. got me taken aback. i think it's the first time i've ever been quoted. i believe i may have made a slight grammatical mistake - pls add an s after believe for me, thanks eheh.

van said...

oh can link me now if u want to btw

BukBuban said...

Don't worry MSL is arranging to change the booking for yr return flight on 5th July 2008. Lv dada

Nazurah said...

at the risk of sounding self-righteous and preachy, do you really want her to read this blog and find out ppl are calling her a slut and a bitch with big boobs?

Nazurah said...

er... that would be "at the risk of ME sounding self-righteous...etcetc"

ha... double comment, sorry!

Daphne Maie said...

van,

i surprised myself by quoting you too, but i thought what u said was so apt to describe what i felt as i wrote that. =)


naz,

uh-oh. you're right. writing is like treading on eggshells sometimes - you never know who u might offend. but that example, that particular incident happened a long time ago, so should be rather safe?