Saturday, May 10, 2008

Grace

With the greatest of efforts, I am trying to go to my happy place where nothing much can bother me. I am trying to meditate on today's novena prayer, which I find quite apt for this moment.
.
.
I'm at this place again, where I find myself angry. I want to lash out so bad it hurts sometimes. Tolerating is so hard. Heck, it hurts, and frustrates, and angers me so much that I feel like crying. If there's a way to love, show me. If there's a way to accept people as they are, show me. Because, I can't Lord, I cannot keep this up for long. The list of grievances gets longer, while the temper gets shorter. Everytime I launch a tirade against said person in my head, I die a little. Knowing well that this is not how it's supposed to be: I need to learn how to forgive.
.
.
Cast light on my senses, pour love into my heart.
.
.
I know I've talked about tolerance recently, but just when I thought I've conquered the Everest that is loving people unconditionally, I fall down again smack on my face. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, this trying to do good business. Do you know how hard is it to look you in the eyes every day and be reminded of how you, in your goodness, are perfect, Lord? I'm tired of the extreme guilt that I feel. Yet, look at me, can you see what I'm doing? I'm trying again. Sometimes I don't know why. What you ask of me seems impossible. There's a lump in my throat and it hurts. There's a massive headache now because my brain cells are scrunched up with anger and frustration. You're asking me to love someone who really rubs me the wrong way. You're asking me the impossible.
.
.
Cast light on my senses, pour love into my heart.
.
.
But I shall try, just because I know you want me to. Though I hope you know the effort pains me. It's like asking me to painstakingly cut up and salvage whatever good bits that's left of a rotten apple (and I'm not saying said person is a rotten apple), when I can just chuck it out and get the fresh, crunchy one. It's also like asking me to remove the cabbage from the coleslaw when I could just go without the coleslaw at all. What I'm trying to say is, that human part of me, that human strength that deals with crap is depleted, nada, finito. From here on out, I can only carry this through if you give me the grace.
.
.
Grant me strength that I may never grow weary of doing good. Give me peace, and let me willingly follow your footsteps.
.
.
Amen.

2 comments:

Indu Rumah Panjai said...

Nama nya deh? Kati tau bisi penanggul maya exam? Block dulu meh penanggul interpersonal relationship nya, ila reflect baru enggai ka ngachau belajar. Enti enda ulih di block, then the best way is to ask for the strength to forgive. Learn to guard your heart mang.

Love you and may God bless you.

Mami.

kenergy said...

nice