Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Home is weird in the sense that it makes me feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I discover traits that I never really noticed in myself before. It feels like second puberty, except that I don't recall ever having as much angst as a teen. I came back so sure of where I was in the world, I was confident, and I was my own person, but I'm not sure what exactly happened in the last few months to change my perspective on things. I was a student for so long, and I made it, and I have lovely friends, that's how I defined myself. But now that I'm removed from that existence, I've lost my footing somehow. I don't know who I really am, a tantrum throwing daughter? A bully of a sister? A sucky housekeeper? I'm not that good at any of those roles. My problem is that I'd get too hung up about the half empty glasses, the lemons, and the cherry pits; that I don't see the half full glasses of cherry-flavoured lemonade (ok I made that drink up but it sounds quite pretty, yeah?)
I know the solution, and it's not Valium or Prozac or St John's Wort. I need to go for confession and get rid of all these heavy things that weigh down on my soul, it's been almost a year. I think it's hardly coincidence that I've been increasingly feeling lost since I've been away from God, and I long for that peace and sense of security I used to have. I don't know how to come back.


-f-l-o- said...

Most of the time, when you have so much time to kill, your mind tends to wander a bit further than where it normally goes to.

I've had second, third and fourth puberty when I was feeling completely vague, souless, a bit out of mind, and gutless throughout the years.

Turning to God is always the best although, oddly enough, the last solution.

I 'come back' every now and then. The hardest thing to do is to start it. Once you take that hardest first step, things will flow like normal. It helps to keep the rosary under the pillow or by your bedside as well. And yes, keep yourself busy by socializing every now and then.