Monday, December 08, 2008

I read this from somewhere recently, "I am where I choose to be."
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I am lazy by nature, I have to admit. I have to work hard at working hard, at studying hard, at fulfilling obligations, and getting chores done. I have to put in extra efforts, because getting things done, is not second nature to me. Uh huh, I'm a bum. Which is why I'm thinking of going back to either Perth or Gold Coast for a while, because the best bumming memories that I have, they happened there. With the beach, the sun, the laidback people, you know how's it like.
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Anyway, I've been like that all my life, I think. I'm not a go-grabber. But I find that it bothers me a bit now, how I'm often content with mediocrity. It's only now, when I feel like the walls are closing in on me, that I truly appreciate the fact that I am capable of having so much more, that I can break free, if I only try. If I only bother. I'll be lying if I say I'm completely happy here, nevermind the fact that I chose this city. I chose to come here.
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It bothers me the fact that I am seemingly one-dimensional now. I breathe and live work, and it's making me sick, this obsession, this constant trying to not appear as the wet behind the ears intern. I am the pharmacist. Beyond that, I have no life. It makes me sad to think that it could be different, if I try. I'd still be what I am now, but so much more, if you get my gist. If I try to grab happiness, I could be happy.
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Besides Aunty Jenny and her family, and Van, and my housemates, I know no one here. Funny enough. Tiada kaki, sob, but I've come to accept it. Except that, dear Lord, it does get depressing at times. Which brings me back to the point; that if I bother, I could be happier.
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Flowers make me happy. I've been meaning to pay a visit to the florist to get some fresh flowers. I never got around to it because it's been too hot to drive out. Coffee makes me very happy. I've been meaning to plant myself in a cafe and just read a book, by my lonesome. Never got around to it, because finding a place to park the car is tough. I've been meaning to make this house a home, a bit more cozier, a bit more homelike. Never got around to it because I don't know where to start. I like cakes. I like singing in a choir. I love carolling. I love movies. I love socializing. But unless I start going out and stop feeding my misery, soon enough I think I'm going to be a zombie.
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But hey, don't yous worry. I'm perfectly fine. Besides I just got back from Aunty J's, where it feels like home. I'm good, it's just that I'm thinking why should I continue living this way, why should I continue limiting myself when I know I can achieve so much more in life. The human abilities to be resilient, and to adapt to new environment is amazing. I just have to start using mine.
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Times like this, I'll think of Mich, and how she still bravely soldiers on by her lonesome, and I'm inspired again. Scotland can be a harsh place for some. But hey, see who's climbing Ben Lomond and joining triathlon and doing nature hikes and the whole coffee and cakes thing. On her own. She's making the best of everything, and she's a happier (junior) doctor. So should I be too. I am my own person. I must not rely on others for happiness. I am where I choose to be.
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I promise tonight that I will try, I will not be helpless anymore. I will not just lie around moping in my room thinking of how miserable I am. I will not be content with mediocrity. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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