Sunday, December 07, 2008

Twilight Moment

I watched Twilight today and while the mushiness and corniness (they normally come hand in hand) is harder to watch than it is to read, it managed to make me feel sad. It's not true what they say, about things can only happen in the movies. I was observing the mass of people today and I saw love everywhere. A wife absentmindedly clinging to her husband's hand as they braved the throng of people. A young teenage couple holding hands - the girl broke contact for a while looking at her watch, and as they continued talking, the boy reached for her hand again, like it's second nature.
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Like it's unnatural to be apart.
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The music kept on blaring; the Christmas songs a bit too upbeat, a bit too mainstream - money making music as if to urge consumers to buy! buy! buy! Harassed shoppers swerving in and out of aisles, dodging fellow shoppers. Aunties choosing onions and garlics. Fathers carrying their daughters in their arms. Uncles wandering around looking bored. Little boys running around playing hide and seek. I stood still in a corner and watched the world go by. The atmosphere was too heavy like I couldn't breathe. My emotions were bothering me, my surroundings overwhelming me. I looked up and beyond I can see the palm trees swaying in the twilight. In the most mundane and uninspiring of places, I sought God.
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"Can you hear me from here, Lord?" I asked in the silence of my heart, amidst the deafening noise.
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Christ in me even when I stand here in the middle of weekend supermarket chaos.
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As I imagined God standing next to me, waiting with me, I said to Him, "It's no wonder he can't find me, Lord, in this sea of people." God, and His unfathomable ways; although He was by my side, He kept silent. I grew anxious. I looked around and wondered, could he be here, but we don't notice each other? Humans are made to love. It's unnatural to be apart, unnatural to be without, I continued to reason.
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My heart began to pound erratically. Nervous. Worried. Inside, I was in turmoil.
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Where is he? Be still, my heart. Lord, I am sad and lonely. Seek rest in the Lord, my soul. But he might be looking for me! I'm here, can't he see me? The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Lord, it hurts. With His crook and His staff, He comforts me.
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As God maintained His silence, slowly, my anxiety gave way to understanding. Deep inside my heart, I began to understand what He's asking, and that is for me to trust completely in His Goodness. Loneliness and the longing to be loved are vain terrors.
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My anxiously beating heart quieted down. I stopped worrying whether we can find each other, with our vision obscured by people coming and go around us. God will work it out. God will bring us together, if it's His will.
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I resumed a more relaxed pose in that corner, and I imagined that God at the very moment holding me. Keeping me together. And we continued watching the world go by. Now that I look back at that moment, I thank God, ironically, for the fact that I am still waiting. In my pain and frustration, His face I seek. I see more glimpses of God, and I know it will be okay.

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

A very good expression of yr feelings except for those who know you seem quite obvious and understandable. You should be an author, a novelist. Pretty sure a lot of people will love yr story line.