Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Moral Crossroad

I'm standing at the crossroad. I don't know what happened today, but I'm finding myself standing now, at the end of the day, at the crossroad.
.
.
How do one gain the wisdom to judge what things in life are worth fighting for? When picking battles, how would one know which to go for? How do one gain the courage to change the things around them? How do one gain serenity to accept the things that one have no power to change?
.
.
I love this hospital, but I loathe the politics. I hate. Hate. Hate.
.
.
Which is why I'm at this crossroad. My Christian side beckons me to forgive, to tolerate in silence, to pray for thy persecutors. My human side however begs me to lash out, or at least, speak up so maybe things can change for the better.
.
.
I want respect, I have my dignity, I have my integrity. I want to be able to look at you with respect and not with fear (plus respect can only be earned). I want to be not sick when I look at you. I want you to tell me when I make mistakes, not pick up the phone and bitch to your other cronies what stupid thing I did today. Tell me. Inform me. Reprimand me. Do not go behind my back. Do not let it simmer. Do not make it personal. This is a professional relationship, you have to tell me when I do mistakes, because first do no harm. This is not about you and me, this is about the patient we're treating. Which part of patient-oriented service don't you get?
.
.
Ugh. Seriously, you guys are supposed to be seniors and the preceptors, dang it. So teach me.
.
.
Teardrops threatened to spill in the workplace, not so much of anger, but of tiredness and frustration. So which road to take now? Speaking up needs courage, but so does forgiveness. When in doubt, always decide for the greater moral good. You and I know where I'm supposed to go from here, but dear Lord, this is the hardest thing to do. When all I want to do is put my foot down and stand up for myself. When all I want to do is to hold on to the anger which I feel is very justified.
.
.
But because I know this is what you want, I'm praying for the desire to forgive, for the grace to be humble, for the strength to keep on smiling during hard times and for family and friends' shoulders to cry on when it gets too tough. And I also thank you for the seniors, the good ones who try to protect us from the bad eggs. I thank God that at least I know there are people who have my back.
.
.
Because this is the higher road I know I must take, eventhough my human instinct that yells self-preservation says no, I will take it, because this is the only road that can lead to anywhere worthwhile.
.
.
I'm sorry you readers have to see/read me when I'm like this. It's just that it really has been a trying day. But I'll be better, it's weekend soon and I'll heading home. :)
.
.
Afterthought: Thank you, Lord too, for Vanessa. My nicest moment today was when she saw my distressed face when I put down the phone, came over and linked her fingers through mine. Thank you, because that was a great comfort, looking at our fingers interlaced like kids, our hands swinging lightly as we walked away from the office.

5 comments:

Sudan said...

jarni darling, HUGS! *saaayang!*

van said...

hugs back.

for the record, u DIDNT look on the verge of tears, u got it together for all the counselling queries etc. thumbs up for grace (the skirt-swishing kind, but also the divine type)

besok we talk ya. sleep well

Daphne Maie said...

thanks rica! HUGS back. and it's just gaben and i alone this weekend. we'll miss u. :)


hey van,

yeah, i got a bit teary eyed when E talked to me abt why we prps are keeping silent, with L looking on. she urged and encouraged me to talk to ms v about it. and when V did come in, E was like, so daphne, how about telling her that thing you told me? I was trapped, with the 3 of them looking at me. Haha. But I did, and Ms V was surprisingly didnt-brush-me-aside-as-petty-issues about it.


But yesterday was good, 4 FRPs yesterday told me that this is not normal. We don't get to be treated like that just because we are PRPs. That was enlightening, to find out that there really shouldn't be a pecking order.

But waa, they're really nice abt it. Incl W, who looked so boyishly awkward abt it. :)

Stella said...

Daph, hang in there.. i know i should too and not give up.. :( we slaved through school to help others, and sometimes when we try our darnest best for ppl who do not appreciate or understand it is very fustrating.
You're the personification of Christ, and if you work with a smile on your face, a spring in your step and stroke the 'cat' the right way, you're a better person that the one who is trying to stir up trouble! Afterall, smiling does get us everywhere! =D

aLiCia said...

WOMAN u made me cry!! :(
because this is exactly how i felt on several occasions when i was on attachment...