Dap's Rant Space

Week 18, Day 2

2011-05-09T06:17:00.000+01:00

Today is 9th May 2011. My mom was borned 50 years ago today to Patrick Insol & Cecelia Jeburi. When I grow up and I become a wife and a mother myself, I want to be like my mom. I hope I can age as gracefully as her. She sometimes makes my ears red from the lectures only a mother can deliver, but, I know all that she does, she does it for my greater good. Happy birthday, Mom!

Today being 9th May 2011, also signifies that my wedding day is exactly 2 months away. There was a period of time when I felt sick to my stomach with the thought of things that are yet to be done, so much so that I refuse to hear ANYTHING about wedding planning at night after work. I felt like the last thing we need after a day's work is more talk of wedding work. My significant other knows this and to avoid the blah-ness, we dont talk about wedding when we Skype each night, leaving wedding matters to the morning before going off to work. Works like a charm for both of us.

Everything is falling into place nicely now. Even if some of the things deviated from my original master plan of Wedding Perfection where every single thing is a wowzer and a showstopper, I am resigned to the fact that perfectly orchestrated details, or lack of them would hardly cause a stir on my wedding day. Once I realized I should just do what I can with the limited time and money, I breathe easier.

With 2 months left, we have accomplished a lot, but also have yet to do a lot. Mom and I are going to KL again this weekend, for my first dress fitting. Will update soon with pictures!

Happy Monday!

Week 8, Day 2: Flowers

2011-02-14T06:11:00.003Z

Mom and I spent the whole of last Friday at the KL city centre area. In the morning we went to check out the florist recommended by Aunty Judy who can do wholesale. The company's name is Weng Hoa Flowers (go check their website) and it's situated at the Petaling Street area at Jln Hang Lekir. It felt like flower heaven and the prices are so much cheaper than what they sell in Bintulu.

It was really useful to be able to gather inspiration and to see what was available locally. Peonies and hydrangeas are very beautiful, but the problem is that not only peonies are not in season in July, they are expensive and wouldn't last long in our hot weather. As I was looking around Weng Hoa, I initially decided on pink mums cos they were cheap, fluffy, romantic and fitted the image I had in mind. Until I saw the eustomas hybrid that is. I want those! They were so beautiful they made my heart stop. The pictures are with mom so hopefully she'll upload soon. They kinda looked like this:

They only cost about RM38 for 8 stalks. Gorgeous! After that I just mucked about while mom continue to search about for table centrepieces ideas.

About the nitty gritty details, we were informed that they can send to Sarawak either via an associate florist (more expensive, but dont have to worry about legal aspects) or we can get the import permit ourselves and have the flowers freight forwarded. The best is of course if we have people to do pick up before they fly for the wedding. We have until May/June to decide.

Week 8, Day 2: The Dress

2011-02-14T05:36:00.004Z

Mom and I were both in KL last week to check out bridal boutiques. I have been doing my research via Malaysia Brides forum and after checking various boutiques' portfolios, I have decided to make White & Lacy my preferred boutique for my made to measure wedding dress. The handwork is exquisite and they specialize in lace dresses, and I want a lacy wedding dress, with sleeves since it's a church wedding. In my early internet research, scouring for dress ideas, the image below featured in Style Me Pretty was among the first images that I saw and I LOVED it. What's not to like? Dreamy, romantic. Sigh.

We had an appointment with Paulynn, White & Lacy's designer and owner on Thursday, but just before the appointment, I dragged mom to The Wedding Boutique in The Curve (we were staying at the Royale Bintang Damansara) just to get a few ideas. The girls there were trying to be helpful but they were young, probably teenagers still. I was informed that they have a promotion running where you can rent two dresses for RM 1K. The dresses there felt a bit sad and unloved though.

Then we left for W&L. The area is very unassuming and a bit run down, but at closer look you can see the signboard for the boutique. Going up the stairs I had to smile because the walls were painted lavender (my favourite colour). We went in and met Paulynn and she is amazing with 20+ years of experience under her belt. She sat down to business, took a good look at my body type and started drawing designs. Since she is mostly custom making dresses, she didnt really have a selection of dresses to try on. The figure she quoted us was much higher than my budget (then again, on hindsight I really underestimated my custom made dress budget), but we went for it. My mom also picked out for me the off-white vintage, French lace (I love it too, but much more expensive T.T).

Bottom line, I don't regret going zeroing in on White & Lacy. Even though I didn't get to go to a lot of different boutiques to find The Dress. All in all, it only took us an hour to decide and have my measurements taken. My first fitting is end of April. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you posted.

Week 5, Day 4

2011-01-25T05:38:00.005Z

1 month has passed since our engagement. 1 down, 6 to go. It's fun planning for the wedding, sure, but what frustrates me to no end is the fact that it's hard to find a selection of wedding vendors in Bintulu. I don't think we're resorting to flying wedding planner/ florist/ events decorator / (insert miscellaneous vendor here) in because that would certainly bust the budget.

Our guest list still needs trimming (headache) but now I'm focusing on reception decoration, hence the picture above courtesy of Dress Your Day. C & I meeting up with the reception venue coordinator next weekend so we have to at least settle on a theme before we have a look at what decoration materials they have in hand. C & I have both agreed that we want a white wedding with infusions of pink. Classic, elegant & romantic (since we're both fairly skema people) but fun for our family and friends.

In the last month there were many times I was anxious to the extent of hysteria, but at the end of the day (after reassurance & pats on the back from dad & C) I realised there's no point stressing over the smallest details. We do what we can. And at the end of the day what truly matters is the fact that we'll be married. :)

Perfect ceiling silk drapes or not.

Day 14

2011-01-10T03:51:00.003Z

Repeat after me: We're gearing towards life-long marriage, not merely a one-day wedding.

Still, if we could actually settle on a date, I wouldn't be so uneasy. But, as dad said, man plans, God decide. :)

Memorial of The Departed

2010-11-02T14:15:00.007Z

I was still at work today and thought how lonely will it be to go to the cemetery today by myself, without any family members. But as I tried to find (illegal) parking by the kerb, I was pleasantly surprised at the good turnout. It didn't make me feel too lonely. As I entered the gates, I can see the Bishop halfway presiding through mass. Among the headstones, as the sun was setting, it was quite a sight to behold, as he lifted the Host and people kneeling on the wet grass.

I wandered further down the sea of headstones, down, down, towards the older part where the remains of my grandfather resides. I walked pass impressive headstones, with statues of angels and marbled tiles, surrounded by bouquets of flowers and lit candles. As I looked around, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness for the grandfather I never knew, for being the only one to visit him today, for the plainness of his grave. My eyes welled as I make my way through the soggy ground, and when I finally reached his grave I just cried and cried to find a daisy stalk already there. Whoever it was, I was grateful. There I sat for quite awhile, lighting tea candles, and removing grass from the gravestone. On both sides of my grandpa's, there were two forgotten ones. A young soldier with a beret on his right, and a very old wooden cross bearing the name of Andrew on his left. Along with a few other people, I went around lighting candles around the graves of those who had no one to pray for them. I pinched off a few flower buds from my bouquet for them. Because I would want people to do the same for me when it's my time to depart.

Then, on to visit my great grandfather. Again, flowers were already put on his grave, with candles. I later found out that it was one of my distant cousins who paid her respect, before moving on to visit her child's grave.

My fuel meter was already blinking when I reached the hospital gates this morning. So as I made my way after work to cemetery, I pray that the fuel will last until I reach a gas station. Aircon and radio off, windows rolled down. The meter just blinked away. I prayed for the saints to help me, and I reasoned with God that He has to help me, if not I wouldn't be able to concentrate as I pray for my dead loved ones. When I walked back from the cemetery towards my car in the semi-darkness, I turned on my engine to find my fuel meter with two bars! Divine intervention? I would like to think so.

saturday blues

2010-09-11T09:49:00.002+01:00

This is the part I dread the most about weekends in Miri - the part where I am alone in my room.

I am working the Hari Raya shifts, 8am to 2pm. The sucky part is my brother and sister are back for the holidays in Bintulu, together with my parents. My significant other also arrived today in Bintulu, home at last. I have not seen him since New Year's day.

Oh dear. Now I am really blue.

The day started well, and then it got tough. There were 3 PRPs working with me, of which one is really new so needed a lot of guidance and instructions. Another working in a separate unit almost drove me crazy with calls, to check doses, just in case. Add multiple patients waiting in the heat. And Period Day 1. Inexperienced personnel led to tasks not being done on time. It was 2pm and everyone has been working since morning without any break. My PRP was so frustrated she was close to tears. I was so annoyed because I have only two hands, and I can only be in one place at one time. I tried to sort things out and shooed them to have lunch before my shift ended. I find myself crying when I was finally inside my car.

In conclusion, I want to go home to my loved ones. :'(

Light Therapy

2010-05-02T10:00:00.009+01:00

Decorating is an expensive hobby, as I have just discovered for myself over the weekend.

T.T

Ah well. Money well spent, I hope. I've been getting the nesting bug for awhile but it finally got the better of me in light of recent events that I cannot disclose just yet. *Ahem* But it did make me think / plan really long and hard on how I want my future home to be.

I've been staying in this place in Miri for 18 months now, and I've yet to feel really settled. It never felt like home, never felt like a sanctuary, and the fact makes me a little unhappy, because I'm the nesting type.

But it does get better, and with a little tender loving it feels more warm and cosy. I've always been concerned that my room is slightly poorly lit with only one standing lamp for light. I have white ceiling lights but I don't like white light so I don't use them except when I want to clean. So, with nothing better to do this weekend, I decided to spruce things up a little.

After lunch on Saturday I was walking around Imperial Mall when I walked into the Borneo Handicraft shop. I hardly ever go there because I AM from Borneo, so go figure. But, I'm glad I did, because I finally found a lamp that would suit my room! There were others shaped like bubu ikan but the moment I looked up and saw the green lantern, I knew I had to get it. I went home and decided to put it on the shelf, and tacked my earrings on the shelf wall (I only managed to do a few pairs of earrings until my thumb got sore from all the tacking). Also adorned the area with an existing mirror, a stalk of flower and a quaint English saucer I found from a car boot sale in Aberdeen. Native lantern lamp = RM 76

I have a coffee table and it's totally bare. I decided to get 3 bunches of fake pink flowers (Belle's) per bunch (I have a black thumb, even a perfectly healthy bougainvillea died on me). I also saw an idea online where they fit candles inside an old glass jar, but when I bought my candle it was too huge for my jar so I had to use the jar top only instead. Also got the cutest box for knick knacks (Belle's), and a blue vase (Boulevard). The Coffee Table Trio = RM54

I wish we have flea markets and second hand stores here. Things are ridiculously expensive sometimes back home. There's a certain joy with finding beautiful stuff on the cheap!

qk539

2010-03-27T04:26:00.004Z

Hi God,

I am feeling like a zombie now because I only managed to sleep a bit after 2 last night. I woke up at about 6 then was called by the hospital because I needed to do a discharge for a patient who needed to go back to Ulu Baram asap.

Lord, I'm still scared. It may have been the right thing to do, but what does it matter if you're right if you show up dead? I honked at a white kancil last night for reckless driving. He, in turn, (the person is a skinny Chinese dude with bleached hair), chased me for a good few minutes. Just when I thought I lost him, he actually chased me via an alternative road. I had friends in the car with me, and I stayed quiet and drove on, avoiding being so close to his car, but my heart was beating so rapidly. He made quite a show of wanting to ram into my car. I've never known such terror.

After all the drama, shaken as I was, I got called by the hospital again due to a child suspected of being overdose on a medication. There I was thinking, it's not fair. I try to be good, I work everyday in a profession where I help doctors save people, and this guy was selfishly trying to harm people. Day and day everyone here is working towards preserving life, but there are people out there who are all for violence in the name of pride. It's that realization that scares me more than the incident itself.

I pray for you, you road bully. I pray that the good Lord touch your heart today so that never again you scare another human being so. I pray for your girlfriend who was sitting next in the car with you. I pray that you may be healed from the all the rage that you keep inside you. I pray that you find peace. I pray that you find patience and mercy in your heart. I pray, with all that I am, that you know love in your heart.

May you find God.

"But the Lord is with me, like a mighty champion: my persecutors will stumble, they will not triumph." Jer 20:11

Drink

2010-03-18T21:46:00.000Z

I was on the bus back home last week and I was seated next to this fairly young man who smelled funky (not in a nice way) and had bloodshot eyes. He got on board the bus with a big plastic bag of.. beer cans.

As the bus started to move, I moved to the unoccupied seats. And he started to open can after can after can after can. All 1.5 hours trip to Niah. And I thought to myself, "See you in the hospital in a few years, mate." Because I'm not kidding. I've seen cases of liver damage due to alcohol. There was one time when the bleeding wouldn't stop. There was nothing else to give. When it's that bad, you're only talking about a year or so. 35% chance of surviving 2 years if you're lucky.

So, if you're drinking a little too much, think again.

Dementia

2010-01-26T22:42:00.003Z

Dementia is a sad illness. There's this 80 years old man who is stuck in his 20's. He couldn't recognize his wife, daughter in law and grandson. In his mind he is still in 1940's, back when he was still living in the village with his now dead parents. There was a need to reconcile him with reality, so we brought him to the mirror. The person who looks back at him surprisingly has white hair and wrinkles on his face, and there's the tentative, "is that... me?" He touches his face, feels his hair. He couldn't recognize the ward staff, he didn't know where he was. He'd be walking in the garden, and then suddenly he realized he didn't know how to go back to his room. He couldn't remember what breakfast was. But when he said "I think they were family members, they brought me breakfast, but I forgot who they were, too many of them", it felt like a breakthrough, with a spirited fist in the air and a "BRILLIANT!" from the psychiatrist. At least he remembered something. He still remembers his name.

It pained to me to see him. The world must be a scary place for this man.

Lamentation of current affairs

2010-01-10T08:33:00.004Z

"They strike out at friends

and go back on their promises.

Softer than butter is their speech,

but war is in their hearts.

Smoother than oil are their words,

but they are unsheathed swords.

Cast your care upon the Lord,

who will give you support.

God will never allow

the righteous to stumble."

- Psalm 55:21-23

Ponder

2009-12-14T23:32:00.002Z

In Iban, how else to call God if not Allah Taala? So, what's with the fuss over the Herald? I have been using that word before I even knew the meaning of racism and baseless paranoia.

Awakka Allah Taala begulai sejalai enggau nuan ari tu, menyadi, dalam nama Apai, Anak enggau Roh Kudus. Amen.

May God walk along your side today, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Anticipation

2009-12-13T14:12:00.002Z

It's nice being able to ask Mr Man what we would be doing next weekend after many weekends of not hanging out together. I haven't seen him since September.

And, by the way, we would be in Oxford St shopping for Christmas presents. :)

To Ms Goh With Love

2009-12-11T15:28:00.005Z

Let me just say this:

I'm starting to reaaally love Clarins.

Face been feeling kinda blah the last few weeks, I decided to give higher end face care products a try. Bought the cottonseed cleanser and chamomile toner sometime last week, and came back with 2 samples tubes of moisturizer. It boggles the mind how a mere 5ml tube can be worth more than RM10.

I came back for the moisturizer and serum today. I'm a happy camper because this second time around, I was served by another Clarins salesperson and she was generous giler with the samples. So now I have cute little boxes of exfoliator, sun block, facial lift, 2 more moisturizer samples, and a small toiletries bag!

(Free) Gifts! The child in me rejoices.

The Clarins experience is working out great so far, skin tone gets even and well hydrated, except I find random zits appearing. Let's hope it will pan out in due time.

Spotted: Dappy La Fea

2009-11-19T11:41:00.004Z

Freak accident

2009-11-15T22:50:00.005Z

Imagine this.

You don't have a bathroom mat. So out you come from the bathroom and you walked towards the wardrobe. As you opened the wardrobe doors, suddenly! you're on the verge of slipping, the floor made slippery from the water sliding down from your feet. You hold on to the wardrobe door, trying not to fall. Then, to your horror, your wooden, at least 5' 8 wardrobe started to come down with you. The clothes rail gave way and out came all the clothes, the photo frame on top of the wardrobe fell and broke into many glass pieces, until you're lying there, half pinned by the wardrobe, in a sea of clothes and broken glass.

Your world, previously contained in the sanctuary of your bedroom, that world, as you knew it ended, as you pushed yourself out of the wardrobe. You crawled away and sat there, watching the mess in a daze. Then, slowly, the tears start falling.

If I didn't find it quite tragic, I would have laughed at the oddity of my mishap.

2009-11-12T11:32:00.003Z

For a mere £6, I'm a proud owner of this recipe book. Whee Amazon!

Olá! Como está? This blog has been so dead, but I'm hoping to update it more often in due time. I have been adjusting to a lot of things in the past few months. The 4th of this month was my 1 year anniversary in this hospital, so happy working anniversary, me. It looks like I'm going to spend my 2nd here too. The posting order is not here yet, so the portfolios have not been officially handed over to me. In the meantime, I'm still floating.

My housemates are gone, and in place, another two new tenants. Of the old PRP batch, only Van and I are retained here. In CPD we don't get asked questions, we get to ask questions. Instead of being briefed, we are briefing the new PRPs. It's odd.

On the VERY bright side, I'm going to London in FIVE weeks!

Samson

2009-09-14T04:40:00.002+01:00

One of the little things I miss is this special ringtone ringing. :)

Bon voyage, Nyipa

2009-09-13T04:28:00.002+01:00

I spent yesterday morning helping C to repack his luggage because the guy is a bit hopeless when it comes to trying to maximize space. Went for Saturday morning mass before that with his family, also went to town to get last minute purchases. I'm glad for the errands, it helps me not to dwell on the fact that he was leaving in a few hours.

When the time came to say goodbye, I surprised myself by not crying. :)) My eyes teared a bit but I was acutely aware of his brother observing me and smiling (he and his dad actually had a bet whether or not I will cry at the airport), so I took a deep breath and kept myself in check. And I feigned yawning several times to hide the occassional welling of the eyes (but again, Joo2 saw me). A hug, and just like that, he was gone. One minute he was there next to me while I bising-bising a bit about him not done packing yet, the next moment he disappeared to board the plane.

Is it silly to purposely buy a deodorant that reminds me of him? May be so, but it's a bit comforting. My parents were searching for signs of distress on my face when I got back from the airport but I was okay. My sister held me awhile before I slept. In mass today, my family sat in the pew in front of his, like we do sometimes. It's comforting, to turn around and see his parents smiling at me, his brother grinning at the news from my mom that I did get upset once or twice at home.

It's hard to remain sad when the people around me has been so understanding and kind. Thank you. In fact, I am determined to be happy even when we're several time zones apart. Who likes to see a shell of a person when he gets back anyway?

Have a blessed Sunday.

One Step Closer

2009-09-09T23:53:00.000+01:00

Let me try to give you an account of the first Nuku ke indu, literally translated as Ascertaining the Girl, event that I've attended. I can try, but seeing that it was my own event, and I was the girl to be ascertained, I don't think I can give you an objective account of the event. Sangat nervous tau!

But I've been spoken for, y'all. :))

C's family came to pay my family a formal visit this evening. C's dad presented my dad with a duku ilang (otherwise known as a parang) in a beautiful beaded Kayan sheath. In the Kayan tradition, he said, the duku ilang is used to clear the land for farming, you clear the land to claim it as your own, so that people won't encroach on your land. So by giving it to my dad, it's a symbol of their family wanting to reserve me, for lack of a better word. :))

At this point, I should probably explain that my significant other is half Kayan and half Iban. It doesn't really matter which side is more dominant, because either ways, it is customary for this to happen. I didn't realise how serious this was until this evening, seeing our family members seated together, discussing about us. I'm naive like that, I guess, if I thought as the newer generation we can do away with customs like these.

I was SO freaked out, not so much on the commitment part of it but about things commiting the cardinal offence of Not Walking Bowed Low In Front of the Elders as a Sign of Respect. I did that anyway unconsciously, so.

This is certainly not our idea, this formal talk, but our families think it's the proper thing to do, seeing our closeness and the fact that we go 10 years back. Nerve-wrecking experience but seeing our families happy by the outcome makes us happy. I have to admit it's comforting for me to have this when he's leaving in 3 days.

White noise

2009-08-26T11:17:00.004+01:00

If all else fails, I get comfort in the fact that I can consider homemaking and I shall spend my days in supermarket grocery shopping. Quite an appealing thought.
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I'm kidding.
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2 months, 2 weeks and 2 days until the end of provisional year. Things at work are bleh. I feel bleh. I am currently stationed in Accident & Emergency. By my lonesome. Sending an untrained staff to work in the acute setting is one of the unfathomable moves made by powers that be. I breathe uneasy at work because it's that time of the year when logbooks get handed in for evaluation. Shudder.
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But forget that, for I have a life outside of work.
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My significant other is leaving for LSE in 17 days so we're going into LDR Take Two. I try to take things in stride so I'm surveying air tickets. At least I get to return to the UK for a visit within 2 years of leaving it. :)
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I'm feeling out of sorts lately, and I feel like I need to get back in control of my surroundings. I need to be happy keeping my own company. I need to be less complacent and change the things that I can. Be happy, be happy, be happy. I realise that I'm a runaway. I run away from things. Or I just brace myself through unpleasant experiences with the hope that I'll do better the next time around. I can never get the fact that if I want change, I have to roll my sleeves and get to it NOW, not tomorrow morning, not next week, not next posting.
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A challenge would be living a life of simplicity. I have far too many things. Maybe I need to be less clingy on material possessions, comforts, and worldly values to get inner peace. Maybe then the white noise will fade into nothingness.

Psychiatric Unit

2009-08-11T09:33:00.004+01:00

I was at the nurses' counter in Psy (pronounced pee-ess-wai). I looked up and saw a female patient loitering about. Our eyes met. I quickly looked down again at the journal paper I was reading. From the corner of my eye I can see her continue to stare at me. Then she came over with shuffled steps until she was standing right in front of me.
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I looked up.
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"Adakah kamu adik saya A yang menyamar sebagai B?"
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I shook my head.
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"Adakah kamu C yang menyamar sebagai D?"
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I shook my head, again.
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"Adakah kamu menyamar sebagai Muslim?"
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.I shook my head, that's thrice.
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"Ah! Saya tahu. Ataupun adakah kamu klon?"
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I sighed internally, gave up and nodded my head.
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"Okay, terima kasih."

G.L.R

2009-08-06T13:49:00.004+01:00

If someone told me that the person I was meeting for the first time that day will be dead in a year and 2 months time, I would have found it hard to believe. I'm finding it hard to believe now in fact.
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We were still in good old Scotland, in James Blyth. It was a day during summer after finals and I was making my way down to the ground floor. Midway down the stairs I heard someone buzzing to be let in the building. I peeked below over the window, and there you were with your other sister. That was the first time I met you.
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Still it tugs my heart when I found out that 1 year and 2 months later, you're gone. You were only 22.
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May the Lord have mercy, and soothe the hearts of the Robert's family.

On not apologizing for being myself

2009-08-04T23:32:00.006+01:00

Bun and Eunice were here for the weekend so Pris, Cris and I played entertainers. The thing that amazes me about my friends from those days is that how easily we slip back into our normal candor. Friendship shouldn't be too hard.
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In the hypoperfusive state you have cool extremities because whatever blood you have in your body, most is directed away from the skin and to the core organs, to keep you going. I can identify with that. Likewise, whatever energy I have, I spend it on people that matters the most as much as I can. There are so many things going on right now that I don't need. So what if I put my family and the person I'm planning long term commitment with first? I like leaving work at work now, it's good for the heart and it makes me less of an angry person. I like having a life very separate from work. I like the things I'm inclined to do. I'm a stay-home person at heart. I'm happy to be the hand that rocks the cradle. I don't aspire to be great as the cradle that rocks the world. So sue me if I am mediocre.
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I used to feel guilty for spending every weekend at home, but the more I think about it this week, why should I? I spent past weekend barbecuing and going to the beach. Went to pasar malam and tried to bargain with the lady to give us a durian discount. Having family friends over for Sunday lunch. Eating Sunday dinner at the high school best friend's home.
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If it makes me happy, it can't be that bad. I have always been like this. So be happy for me, friend.

Heenee

2009-07-23T22:30:00.000+01:00

DR G CALLED ME!
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What are the odds, eh? This is the one specialist that I put on a pedestal, and he called me. Interesting call night. At least it breaks the usual staff nurse or MO routine.
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But just proves how bad the situation is for him to call me personally. And what is the use of a second caller if she does not answer calls? But I believe I just made the right decision even without her go-ahead. Patients always come first.

Rumours Kopitiam 130608

2009-07-19T23:37:00.004+01:00

I thank God still for Gareth, who even after a year and a month still keeps us in touch and naturally, in his prayers. A running joke used to be that we were going to wait for him to be ordained as a priest so that he can say our wedding masses. He just told us that he'll be moving to one of the Irish Passionist monasteries in August. If I get to visit him one day I will bring him 3 in 1 teh tarik because he loves it so.

Merry Miri Happy

2009-07-19T12:37:00.006+01:00

This is one of the rare weekends when I stay put in Miri because the parents and partner (in crime) came over. You know you really haven't been around much when you get lost trying to find your favourite a little-off-the-track supermarket in Krokop! The last few months my Miri was only limited to the airport, bus terminal, Ipohtown kopitiam and Bintang mall. But mostly on weekdays I see only the inside of the hospital's pharmacy department.
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(Sending love and a big sorry for Aunty J in Pujut 3 for nyadi anak buai batu since CNY.)
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But in all honesty I don't mind the travelling hours that much, 7 hours back and forth. My Friday nights I rather spend in the bus. Would it be more fun to stay in Miri where capitalism (thank you!) has brought Expensive Posh Ice Blended Coffee and Belle's Bookshop where there's always a book to buy? You bet. But I rather do the 7 hours investment; go home and give my mom the joy of fussing over a child now that the nest is empty, bantering with dad and fighting to foot the bill (he normally wins 'cos it's mostly his turfs we go to, and naturally, the bill bearers will side with him). I rather go home to Tiki. Merry, merry happy indeed.
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I'm not really good in dealing with the Impending Situation. Until recently I have been cushioned by denial and buffered by hope, hope that when the time comes I will be able to send partner in crime off with a smile, for if that's the last image of me that you're going to see until a year has passed (video conferences excluded), it better not be the image of me all splotchy with tears. I know we will be okay la, considering that I hardly get to see you in the last 5 years, but love, as it turns out, doth stand the test of time, and the test of being VERY apart. We'll be okay, it's just that I'm a bit of wuss about having you away again, when we're in a very good place now.
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I don't believe in the capriciousness of events. I believe in Divine Providence. I think we're in Good headed towards Something Greater. But all in good time. So in the mean time I have to chill and stop the cause of eye puffiness (btw thanks Clarins) - because you're still here! :))
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Something viral came this way

2009-07-09T03:32:00.002+01:00

I know I can be impulsive, but I am also apparently impulsive and stubborn. Which is why I am here at home in Bintulu thanks to a two days MC. I INSISTED on driving home yesterday because I was feeling blue in Miri. In the end I decided that it would be foolish indeed if I drove home without my parents blessings, so I took the bus. I've got a viral fever. I didn't need to do an FBC (full blood count) to know that it's not bacterial, if the persistent high fever and retro-orbital pain are any indications. So I'm home, but will be going back to Miri for work again tomorrow. I have been away for a week now, dang it, I feel SO guilty.
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But I'm doing the hospital people a favour. No one wanted to hang out with me yesterday while I was waiting for my blood results (Dr M ordered a malaria test, just to rule out the possibility), I was told to stay away in fact, considering that I just came back from KL after all. Heenee paranoia (Van says it's easier to say than Haitch-One-Ann-One). Oh ya, except for Van. Thanky V!
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It was surreal last night being home where mom and dad and C are. I guess mom misses having a child around to mother now the baby of the family is in college. But I loved the pampering. :) Though it does mean that I would have to finish my bowl of porridge (because it's nutritious) and no, I cannot take it with kicap (because it's fermented and not good for me). I also got the lecture about eating more nutritious food and eating vitamins because I seem to be sick a lot lately. Parents went for Holy Hour last night, so C accompanied me until they got home. It was good spending quality chilling time. :)))

Twenty Five Years Ago Today

2009-06-22T23:50:00.005+01:00

Feliz aniversario, mom and dad!

On obliging me my corny moment

2009-06-14T09:49:00.003+01:00

Over the weekend, I was grimacing over love letters from 8 years ago that C managed to find. I only managed a few lines before I stopped. Mortified bah. The teenager that was me was unbelievably corny.
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Thank God I grew up and became less corny. My sister can hopefully attest to this. :)

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My surrounding is strangely quiet now. Granted, it's nice being able to dig for booger (n. dried nasal mucus) without a care in the world, but I rather sit prim and proper at a table by the pool having Sunday morning breakfast with you. I rather sit slightly warmer in the car, pushing the aircon vents all towards you, knowing you're feeling the dry Miri heat. Heck. I rather relive trying to find the car in the basement parking lot when we were seriously potentially late for mass. Even if I have to half-jog with every one long stride you take.
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For what it's worth, I like how this doesn't get old. By now you'll think we'll get bored with each other. But we get better with time. Like wine.
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Heart on my sleeve. And I said less corny, not entirely corny-free.

Paolo Nutini & (My) New Shoes

2009-05-19T07:02:00.000+01:00

Woke up one cold Tuesday.
I'm looking tired and feeling quite sick,
I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life,
So I quickly opened the wardrobe,
Pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean,
Topped it off with a pair of old shoes,
That were ripped around the seams,
And I thought these shoes just don't suit me.
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Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
It so inviting.
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Hello new shoes, bye bye blues.

On being human & the greater moral good

2009-05-18T07:06:00.000+01:00

What's in a good Catholic? Perhaps it's not about being blameless, but knowing when to call on Christ for help. I pray to you dear Blessed Virgin, and all you holy ones. We need your intercession.
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My conscience, the Holy Spirit within me tells me so.

Optimism

2009-05-07T15:05:00.002+01:00

But I suppose you have to have difficult days to appreciate the great ones, and tomorrow will be great because
a) it's Friday!
b) I'm going home for mommy's birthday, and
c) someone will be driving 200km up and back again. To bring me home.
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But this could be me being perasan. :)

Big Boss

2009-05-07T11:55:00.002+01:00

Don't you dare talk democracy when you veto your way into everything.
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The U52 is an absolute idiot, I kid you not. He runs around like a headless chicken trying to change everything about this hospital's pharmacy when we lack manpower and the means to bring about change. I've never met anyone so unreasonable in my entire life. Why ask for our opinions if you're not going to listen? Why disrupt our work and call us for meetings when everything is already set in stone and it doesn't matter what kind of input or suggestion or concern we might have.
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I had a moment after that. Aint pretty, and so not me, considering the fact that I normally keep a cool front at work. The rest were pretty livid as well.
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I say, straighten out the kinks within the department first. Then only you talk about expanding pharmacy and mobilizing your whole department to do various 24 hour services.
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Pineapple under the sea

2009-05-05T23:22:00.003+01:00

Dr S to me on Monday: "Come on, Spongebob. Let's do our round."
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And my Monday blues dissipated just a little.

JS

2009-04-29T13:20:00.006+01:00

Among the first few questions that my preceptor asked me in the beginning of male medical was "Can you handle death?"
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I said it depends.
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One of the patients whose case that I was actively clerking passed away today. Intracranial bleed. My last few memories was him breathing raggedly, even as I stood observing his cardiac monitor during the grand round. His BP was crashing, and I was the one who struck off all his antihypertensives from the meds chart, under the specialist's order. Menial task. But I remember being on high alert, scared that I would miss out on anything. The MO's and the ward sister and the preceptor was concerned with the fact that the wife seemed more concerned about his mouth ulcers when the crux of the matter is that the patient was dying and she should be prepared for his demise. I think she was in denial and I don't blame her.
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20 minutes later, when I was at the other side of the ward, still in the middle of a round, the nurses started calling the MO. The patient was bradycardic before going completely asystolic, which means his heart slowed down until suddenly, it stopped beating. The patient's wife was asking why isn't anyone doing anything. The ward sister looked distressed and asked the MO to please could someone counsel the wife again about the patient being not for active resuscitation. I looked askance at my preceptor. I don't understand the business of not for active resuscitation. I mean, I do understand it, but I find it morally difficult to grasp. Even if it's technically not wrong to not try and bring back to life. At least that's what I remember from bioethics and flipping through the Catechism of the Catholic Church, but I may be wrong so do correct me.
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The heartbreaking thing was when the daughter and son tried to perform CPR. The family refused to let him go. When he was finally pronounced dead, I saw the wife started falling apart. Heaving, gasping for breath sobs. As I walked out of the ward, I had to bite my lips. They are taking out the biohazard bag, already starting to do clean up. I had to pinch my fingers. Do not get emotional. Do not cry. But then I saw the daughter outside, silently crying, sitting dejectedly in a corner. I cannot help myself but walk over to her, put my hand on her shoulder and told her I was sorry about her dad. I walked away to go for the mortality meeting. Thank God for the meeting. I wouldn't want to stay in the ward to watch the aftermath.
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Death can be so painful. I saw one last week, but that was so peaceful, I was quite happy to see him go, finally free from his emancipated body. Today was a bit hard to witness though. I said the Divine Mercy prayers as he died, so that was the most I can do. I love doing clinical, not for the deaths of course, but the intensity of it. It's different being in the ward compared to being behind the pharmacy counter where everything is clean and sterile and happy. It's difficult but immensely rewarding when the patients do get better.

Rookie Mistake(s)

2009-04-25T09:59:00.002+01:00

Hospital called me again this afternoon. One of the wards needed chemo supply. The dose was really off though. Had to call the HO prescribing it to see if he really really wanted to give it that frequent. New guy. Just reported for duty beginning of the week. Probably graduated early this year. V reminded me to be nice. But to give me credit, I wasn't about to give him a hard time about it LOLs.
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Anyway, it feels weird when the doctor starts to apologise profusely for the mistake. Chill. That's why I'm there for. Besides, I know how it's like to be an intern. I am one.

Oct 07

2009-04-24T10:37:00.004+01:00

Never thought I'd say this, but missing this hair length on me. But yala, the snip snip snip was therapeutic pre-finals.

ORS per purge Part 2

2009-04-24T01:21:00.002+01:00

So I am staying in again today. I was up already in fact, showered and was getting ready to go to work when suddenly I had a sudden need to go to the loo. An episode of diarrhea and vomiting. Nothing left in there but bile. I'm hungry but I can't keep anything in.
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Had to go back to the hospital to get another MC from Dr N in the ward who started to look a tad concerned. Preceptors asking me to do a BUSE, which means blood urea and serum electrolytes. Electrolytes normally get low in vomiting and diarrhea. I refused because (1) I don't want to be poked for the BUSE and (2) I don't want to be poked for the subsequent IV drips. I don't think it's food poisoning. Now the general consensus is that this is due to stress, and the fact that I'm now in male medical ward. Male medical is crazy. Only done paeds before, so one thing that struck me is how big the adult male patients are, and how much space they occupy. It's quite rewarding so far, even if the workload is much higher.
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I'm actually on call this week but thank God, it's been safe so far. Someone is taking over my Saturday morning duty, so I just have to work on Sunday now, but I should be okay by then.

ORS per purge

2009-04-23T02:38:00.004+01:00

Please, could someone remind me that I'm no spring chicken, that age is catching up on me, and I could not expect to be the same superhero in uni that can go without sleep.
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I'm at home. On a work day. Nausea, vomiting and diarrhea are unpleasant, but I suppose I'm thankful that I have time to work on my clinical presentation #2. But seriously, the ORS is horrible. And I need to stop skimping on sleep.

This is for RR

2009-04-17T01:38:00.003+01:00

I am in enforcement. Correction, I was in enforcement and now I'm in between enforcement and male medical. I can't speak much when I was in enforcement, because of the nature of the work involved. We inspect, we raid, we investigate, we prosecute. It's so different, and so far removed from the hospital environment. But the moment they told me about you yesterday, boy, half an hour after they stopped resuscitating, I was immediately transported back. Back to that month, where I used to see you five days a week in paeds.
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E told me you looked fine that morning. Nothing on the case notes indicated that somehow you would take a turn for the worse. You were only 12. You crashed and by the hand of God, you were gone. Not even 3 specialists and 3 mos can bring you back.
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I remember you, boy. I remember the distinct smell of your room. Every time as I walked in and out the ward, I used to peek into your room, to see what you're doing. Sometimes you'll be sitting cross-legged on the bed, sometimes you'll be sleeping. Sometimes you will be smiling with your dad, sometimes he will be playing chess with you. I remember your dad weaving his fishing net. I know he loves you, he was always there with you. I remember the snowcap that you used. Just as your hair started to grow back in little tufts, another chemo course was started and the hair was all gone the next day. I remember issuing out the chemo drugs for your doctors. I remember the exact colour of your skin, I remember how your skin turned red with the cytarabine. I remember the infusion machines hooked up to both arms. I know you were not doing too well, but I didn't foresee that you would be gone either. Because we were doing all we can to keep you alive.
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I feel for you, because you have stayed isolated in that hospital room for months. You shouldn't have died in the hospital. If I can choose, I wish you could be on a grassy knoll with the sun on your face. But no one would have known. For what it's worth, I just want you to know that you are remembered. That a lot of people feel pain at your passing. Myself included, and I wasn't the only one who cried. This may be a sign of weakness, the fact that I get so emotionally affected that easily, but I cherish it, because that's what makes me human. I never want to lose my empathy. Why shouldn't I grieve for a young life lost?
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May you rest in peace, R.

Hot Cross Buns

2009-04-09T01:45:00.004+01:00

It's Holy Week and Easter Triduum is starting. I am appropriately craving for hot cross buns. But shall I spend my day on leave kneading dough?
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I think not.

VCC

2009-03-26T14:10:00.006Z

To my beautiful friend,
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I love the fact that I have you to be silly together with. It takes the edge of all these being adults business and responsibilities and impossible standards being thrown our way. It's unfortunate how sometimes the going gets real tough, but the tougher gets going. It's unfortunate when sometimes we have to cry. But I just want you to know that I'm always available for running around at night with Dog, for the cafeteria RM2.30 chocolate ice cream, for the chicken dances, for the going all starry-eyes in Belle's or Popular, for the bleeding money Starbucks mornings, for the cds in the car moments, for toasts in Kopitiam. It goes without saying that I'm always around if you need a hug, or a pair of listening ears. I just draw the line at tapai. Nasty stuff, that.
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I'm glad we're doing this together (including the whole idol crush on Dr Spiderman and the freezing Sunday morning walks to St Mungo's back in final year). So skip along now, or do your chicken dance. I think you're awesome, and don't you forget that, or let people lead you to think otherwise.
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Love,
Dap

Station #6

2009-03-24T11:44:00.004Z

Ok, guys, Dappy means business. So I'm plopped on the bean bag on the bed, case notes on the right, BNF within visual field and paeds protocol on hand. I'm ready to start working on the clinical case presentation this Friday (yes, it's already Tuesday, I know!)
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But first, social obligation to update this stuff. (And I know trying to do work when I'm on the bed is hardly going to lead to anything productive but I'm so tired and I still need to get this done so there's gotta be a compromise somewhere.) Anyway. I haven't been around much due to forensic, which is all over now phew. So as of Monday, I changed stations and for the next 2 weeks I'll be in the production unit, followed by 2 weeks enforcement. I'm missing paeds, so I've been going in and out, doing part-time clinical in paeds on my own accord, to clerk a few more extra cases and to do follow up. Had lunch with the paeds specialist head by chance, and went back to ward to see Dr Spiderman with the sniffles. My little J is fighting off the pseudomonas, my chemo guy is temporarily discharged home before his next chemo course, my neph syndrome boy is already on prednisolone, my severely malnourished girl is finally moving about, they still don't know what's wrong with pale little baby girl who likes my earrings and little A with the rashes and with fits.. they just found out he has a tumour in his brain so that's quite sad.
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But yeah, clinical case this Friday so I'll be presenting one from the clinical month in paeds. Such sessions are notorious, so let's hope I won't look too shabby as a Swiss cheese after the whole thing is over. Banyak tembak-menembak going on, but not as horrible as That One Friday that left the interns all fuming. But I'm determined to show courage under fire. Go, me.
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Weird transition from clinical where there's life and human emotions to the sterility that is production. It's so odd to be sitting in that unit removing shoes and wearing slippers provided if you please. Spent the last two days referring to master formula and provided assistance (by sticking labels) while making potassium chloride by the 200ml-bottles. The chloroform in it made me dizzy for a bit. Played with a huge 19G needle and a syringe to practise making amphotericin eye drops. I really wouldn't want to make any needlestick injury with that. Met my old friend the sterile room with its HEPA filter, laminar flow and UV light so everything is strictly aseptic in there. Haven't done the whole spacesuit thing since FMT in Semester 6 when everyone was all giggly looking at each other in their inner wear. Idiota.
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I was given an ultimatum of sorts by the housemates today. Farewell trip to Brunei this weekend or else. But to the family and to Tiki, you must be happy I chose you guys, because I prioritize and I promised, and yeah, how many more farewell events for the same person la dey. So, Swiss cheese or not, whee! weekend home again for me, and I really need to start working on it. Ta.

Listening to: Augustana

2009-03-18T13:33:00.002Z

"I am holding you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God - and I say to you, "Don't be afraid, I am here to help you.""
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Isaiah 41:13
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Because the word of the Lord does not come back empty, and also because I was sitting down, scribbling down from Section 13 of the Registration of Pharmacists Act 1951, when E showed me this random verse she found tuck in her purse.
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Please excuse me nerdiness, I have a forensic exam on Monday.
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The boss is contemplating an A&E project which means 12-9pm shift for the PRPs. Frankly it scares me a lot, because what am I going to do when I get thrown in that acute, emergency setting. I certainly am not trained for that, but at the same time, the prospect thrills me. But it's all just talk for now, so we'll see how it goes.
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Third last day of paeds medical oh I'm gonna miss you lots, and you too you doctor who appreciates me. It's tiring sometimes, but most of the time it's pretty rewarding. Today was one of those uninspiring days, but I got through it. Spent the first two days of the week in Kuching for the forensic course. Pretty cool seeing the IMU batchmates from SGH (Sarawak General Hospital), especially Wei Meng, who is apparently hot stuff and the most eligible bachelor around haha! (this is for fellow P105-ers benefit) and Cherie Lai and her look-like-denim skirt. It feels like IMU lecture hall, just a bit, and it was comforting like that. I think I miss my batchmates.

Glow

2009-03-10T22:45:00.003Z

Someone told me yesterday that she is envying the glow on my face.
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Why, thank you. It's the combination of the weekend mental recharge, so to speak, and the fact that I had a baby with sickle cell anemia who got transferred to ICU. Sometimes I wish I am not so christina-yang about the patients I have to clerk. But the fact is, when 80% of admissions are due to asthma exacerbations, tonsillitis or febrile fits; it's hard not to get excited when you see a baby being given thrombolytic, because then you start to question why. Until you figure out sickle cell anemia can cause stroke, so 3 y.o. with a suspected stroke is whoa.
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But yes, you still can envy the glow on my face. My weekend was goood. (Plus I went to this new facial place which was amazing, especially on the shoulder massages.)

Moral Crossroad

2009-03-04T10:25:00.005Z

I'm standing at the crossroad. I don't know what happened today, but I'm finding myself standing now, at the end of the day, at the crossroad.
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How do one gain the wisdom to judge what things in life are worth fighting for? When picking battles, how would one know which to go for? How do one gain the courage to change the things around them? How do one gain serenity to accept the things that one have no power to change?
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I love this hospital, but I loathe the politics. I hate. Hate. Hate.
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Which is why I'm at this crossroad. My Christian side beckons me to forgive, to tolerate in silence, to pray for thy persecutors. My human side however begs me to lash out, or at least, speak up so maybe things can change for the better.
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I want respect, I have my dignity, I have my integrity. I want to be able to look at you with respect and not with fear (plus respect can only be earned). I want to be not sick when I look at you. I want you to tell me when I make mistakes, not pick up the phone and bitch to your other cronies what stupid thing I did today. Tell me. Inform me. Reprimand me. Do not go behind my back. Do not let it simmer. Do not make it personal. This is a professional relationship, you have to tell me when I do mistakes, because first do no harm. This is not about you and me, this is about the patient we're treating. Which part of patient-oriented service don't you get?
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Ugh. Seriously, you guys are supposed to be seniors and the preceptors, dang it. So teach me.
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Teardrops threatened to spill in the workplace, not so much of anger, but of tiredness and frustration. So which road to take now? Speaking up needs courage, but so does forgiveness. When in doubt, always decide for the greater moral good. You and I know where I'm supposed to go from here, but dear Lord, this is the hardest thing to do. When all I want to do is put my foot down and stand up for myself. When all I want to do is to hold on to the anger which I feel is very justified.
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But because I know this is what you want, I'm praying for the desire to forgive, for the grace to be humble, for the strength to keep on smiling during hard times and for family and friends' shoulders to cry on when it gets too tough. And I also thank you for the seniors, the good ones who try to protect us from the bad eggs. I thank God that at least I know there are people who have my back.
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Because this is the higher road I know I must take, eventhough my human instinct that yells self-preservation says no, I will take it, because this is the only road that can lead to anywhere worthwhile.
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I'm sorry you readers have to see/read me when I'm like this. It's just that it really has been a trying day. But I'll be better, it's weekend soon and I'll heading home. :)
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Afterthought: Thank you, Lord too, for Vanessa. My nicest moment today was when she saw my distressed face when I put down the phone, came over and linked her fingers through mine. Thank you, because that was a great comfort, looking at our fingers interlaced like kids, our hands swinging lightly as we walked away from the office.

On case clerking

2009-03-03T09:58:00.003Z

Ok. So turns out paeds med is a horror if you need to clerk cases. The target is 100 cases by the end of PRP year, and out of the year we'll only be doing 3 months clinical. So I need to clerk an average of 33 cases per clinical month.
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But sigh there's only so much of tonsillitis and exacerbation of asthma and febrile fits and pneumonia that I can take. And these just require some antibiotics syrup or PCM so there's nothing much for discussion, really. I spent half the day dragging my feet in and out of the ward, totally uninspired. Afternoon when I went in, I checked the register and ah-ha, new admissions. One of the babies had steroid resistant nephrotic syndrome. I was immediately alert, and to my horror, I actually found myself pumping my fist in the air. But seriously lar, I became abashed a little, for while I had a new case with potential, the case is also actually a sick patient. So my gain = his pain.
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Turnover rate in paeds is really really fast, children recovers fast. But there are 2 or 3 who are more or less permanent residents there, and sometimes when I do allow my mind to wander, I do wonder how it's like to just stay in a small room, separated from everybody else for months. How it's like to lose your previously waist length hair. How it's like to have tufts of hair today, and to lose them just overnight, the next day completely bald. How it's like to have IV lines set in both hands. How it's like to see the nurses and the doctors wearing protective measures, while setting up the infusion machine, while you, the patient, the medicine is going straight to your veins dang it, cytotoxic or not. Sigh. I hope they can get well. They're much too young to be facing illnesses like that.
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Sick kids aside, hospital staff getting their blood screened. Did mine yesterday. The lab technician who drew my blood is this dude that I dispensed for a few times in OPD. I dont know whether I imagined it, or there seemed to be a look of glee as he presses gently on my arm, looking for a vein to poke. As if he's saying haha, my territory now. He totally scared me when he said it's a bit hard to find. Then, I clenched my jaw. I remembered the 10 year old earlier yesterday who had his IV line set (in layman's term they poked his hand with a needle), and he looked so brave about it. So I gathered some courage from that memory and I watched as he slowly pierced my skin, and I watched with morbid fascination as I saw the syringe filling up with dark coloured blood. My blood. His hands trembled a little from holding on to the syringe a little too tightly. That helped the blood flow somewhat. Finally, it's done and I went home with a plaster and a bruise.
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A bit scary but at the same time I feel liberated because I dared to watch it happen this time around.

Goliaths

2009-02-26T11:50:00.005Z

Let me tell you about this person that I just got to know. A young, paediatric doctor. He is quiet and looks a bit on the serious side. But you should see him when he handles the little ones. He says a very quiet hi and one hand gently clasps the baby's hand, and his other hand laid on the forehead. Around his stethoscope is also a harmless-looking pink torniquet. And he used to carry around his Superman pen for the children to play with while he examines them, until he lost it that is. Adept hands that palpates, all the while reassuring the scared child. He is the epitome of gentleness. As I stand beside him, observing him while he writes in the case notes during the rounds, I wonder how is this person still standing given the personal grief that is still too recent it must still hurt.
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He smiles and there's the occassional chuckle. He is very good at what he's doing, and he is obviously a caring person. It's rare that you can say that about a doctor I think, when the diagnoses sometimes can get a bit impersonal, so it's understandable that one can't pay attention to absolutely everyone. But the feeling that I get from this doctor is that he gives every patient a bit of him, that personal touch, that extra length so it shows that he really cares. Still I question at the end of the day, how is he still doing this?
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This person has just lost a sibling, and it's tragic when they die young innit. But he carries on ever so normally I did wonder if he felt anything at all. But a few days ago, I stumbled upon something personal (not that one can keep online things personal for long), it was a letter from him to his now-gone brother. Then I knew, behind that masked exterior is also a grieving heart.
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There is a lot that I have to learn from this person, I think. Like how to continue comforting when your heart too needs comforting. How to continue giving when you're running on empty. How to smile when your heart is bleeding. How to remain standing when you just want to drop down on the floor and bawl. There is much strength in his character that it astounds me, and the fact that he bears all in silence. I, myself, was feeling a bit blue yesterday over a personal matter. But then I remembered this person, so I pulled myself together, I stood a little taller and my heart a little lighter. The Lord is my Shepherd, there is nothing I shall want. Despite things running off tangents, I will be happy.
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We all have our own personal Goliaths that we have to defeat. I thank God for yet another person in my working life who has inspired me in my daily little crosses. He is aptly named after that biblical character, I think. Plus, I'm beginning to really like it here in the paeds ward. Once in a while, while clerking cases, a little one would wander in my direction. I would stop what I was doing and I'd play with the kid for a while. It's nice working in a place like that.

Dad on Relationships

2009-02-26T11:02:00.004Z

My dad is so cute. He begins every email with a "Hi, love" and just 4 days ago, there was such an email. Guess what was the subject of the email?
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Entering a relationship.
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I don't know why my dad suddenly emailed my sister and I about it, but he did. It began with a..
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"Entering a relationship is normal and part of life. There are risks one has to take. But no risk no gain. Don't expect the first relationship to work out straight away sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. If they do, you are lucky if not move on and look for new friends. It's not the end of the world and it could be a blessing in disguise and God's way of saying the person is not His choice for you. "
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Then, it went on to say
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"Don't worry about the man of your life he will be there when the time comes and if not it is sometimes better to be single than married to a wrong man or ending up with a failed marriage."
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"Men appear nice and goody during courtship stage but his real colour shows once he captures or gets you. Test him to see if he is suitable for you. Don't fall for his tricks and deceits. Be open minded yet evaluative."
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"Have a blessed day. Love, Dad."
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I don't think everyone has hidden agendas, but I do very much appreciate the fact that my dad looks out after my sister and I. Sigh. I bet it's hard being parenting two girls.

Godspeak

2009-02-23T10:26:00.003Z

I had the most amazing conversation with a stranger. It was a long conversation (turns out I became ular and didn't masuk ward at all today since my paeds preceptor is away) in that dingy, claustrophobic, poorly lit TDM room. With the new TDM pharmacist who just got home to serve after 2 years working (and 9 years studying) in kiwiland.

I don't know how it happened, but our conversation rapidly progressed into God-talk. She was just asking about the general working environment in this place, and we talked about What Happened on Friday, then wham. She said things that I didn't expect her to say, but they were spot on, she's a perceptive one, and things I needed to hear. "Take courage, and hang in there. I see a potential in you, and I know you are a caring person. You don't have to do big things to make an impact on patient's lives. God grants each person different gifts, so it's true you don't get to resuscitate patients like the doctors, or look after them like the nurses, but you'll be surprised to know that even a smile, no matter how insignificant the act is, can do a lot to make the patients feel better and cared for. Treated like they are human beings and not just a number you need to call out, or just another job that needs to be done. So don't feel frustrated."

Life is short. Death is certain. Forever is long. I wish I can remember all the things that we said in earnest to each other. I wish I can be articulate and describe to you how much this person has touched my heart today, with her being so unabashedly Catholic and very encouraging. It wasn't awkward at all, opening myself to her. We shared about miracles God has done in our lives, the moments when things got difficult and how we suddenly see the face of God, interior conflicts resolved by prayer. I honestly haven't done this since CSS. She still questions why she got Miri, and why TDM, at which point I told her, I don't know either what God has planned for you here, but I can tell you today, God's plan is for you to cheer up a PRP that you barely even know.

She really did. I found God in the workplace today, where I need him the most.

To Fresh Starts

2009-02-22T22:17:00.004Z

The anger is leaving, God and love is entering. Why did I burden my heart so? I choose not to seethe anymore. Eventhough, seriously lar, work politics make me sick. But I'll only be contributing to it if I continue mulling over it and refusing to let it go. I will let this go. I will respect, even when mutual respect is obviously lacking. Begin anew.

Breathe. Move to happy thoughts. Imagine this situation. It is raining and you're sharing an umbrella with someone. It just HAD to rain. It just HAD to be a small umbrella. And you happened to be wearing a dress, and you HAD to go past this vent that blows air and threatens you to do a marilyn monroe. And of course, you had to wear the 1-Brit pound Primark flip flops that screams caution on slippery surfaces. So while you have to deal with this, you also had to concentrate on getting closer to that person to get out of the rain, but not too close so as not to touch. No, no, no, you don't want to tersentuh because that would be awkward. It was hilarious really. Don't get me started on the boyband ballads. That was how Saturday night was like. :)))

Fresh start today. Ms P the Housemate told me that paeds medical ward will be fun. I can't believe I'm starting clinical, go back to this clerking cases thang. I'll let you know how it goes. At least I get to play with children this month, that should be wayy better than dealing with adult patients.

Have a nice, blessed start of the week.

Post-call

2009-02-15T22:09:00.002Z

Top of the morning to you!
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I feel so tired but I had a good week, all things considered. It would have been better if my 2 laptops did not fail on me when I have a CPD presentation to prepare for, but, it could have been worse.
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So in a few hours I'll be passing on the keys to K. I'm glad. I cannot go anywhere last week without my big Lexi-comp, a Frank Shann and a calculator. Ridiculous, bringing the books around to dinner, cinema, shopping, and church. On that note, just found out that one of Mater Dei's altar server passed away, they announced in Carmelite and I couldn't have been more shocked when I heard the name. It's a name that I see everyday in satellite when we do ward supply. So it's weird and sad like that, to see grief in the face. It's also always a tragedy when they die young.
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Ah well. I wish I could stay for longer, but I do have work to do. Boo hoo. But it's play again this weekend. :)

Kerana masinnya mulut

2009-02-10T22:22:00.005Z

Phone call at 10.45pm. I must have been asleep for half an hour. Grappled in the dark for the phone. Where's the phone. 085 number.
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OH! T_T
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Operator went hello, on call pharmacist ke and immediately connected me to DrA, who rattled off things that I couldn't quite catch, groggy as I was at that time, and blur as I was, seeing that was my first call. All I heard was A&E, fits, phenytoin and a Can you come now? As if I can not come.
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A&E is oddly meriah at night. Went inside to grab the blood sample from DrS, who went on to explain that the patient is a chronic alcoholic, despite being warned many times and at least 3 trips to the A&E for uncontrolled fits. DrS went on to ask if alcohol is inducer or inhibitor of phenytoin metabolism. In my head I was like, no, dont ask me now, because even standing was a conscious effort. But ya la, it's an inducer.
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Getting into the TDM unit at night is like trying to find my way in a maze. First to the operator to get the keys to hemodialysis unit,
to get to the pharmacy pintu rintangan api,
to get to the IPD,
to get the keys to OPD,
to get the reagents to TDM.
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Luckily Ms P and Ms S came along, one has been attached to TDM, one to IPD, so between the 3 of us, we worked quite fast. Thank God, if not it would have taken longer. Then with the results back to A&E, the phenytoin level much too low, which is why patient is still seizing. So please don't drink if you're on phenytoin. At least, lying on the bed, the patient was the picture of utmost contrition. Until of course, his next visit to A&E. Sigh. So degil.
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And I was back at home a little over midnight. The end.

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Now playing: Gwyneth Paltrow, Huey Lewis - Cruisin
via FoxyTunes

Thank You For Not Calling

2009-02-10T13:21:00.003Z

I've got new toys today. Ct and I rescued the expired MDIs (that's metered-dose inhalers, by the way) from the yellow bin, and after 620 puffs later, the canisters are finally out, so are now safe to use for demonstration purposes. I've got my own demo kit, wheee!
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Satellite pharmacy is SO not relaxing, it's not funny, considering that it's supposedly less hectic. Well, to be fair, it is less hectic inside there, but that also means more time for FRPs quiz time. So it's ward trolleys in the morning which I swab with alcohol first of all, and then it's floor stock filling. Filling in as per yellow scripts. The occasional queries to doctors. It's always interesting when I call the other (dr) Daph in the hospital. Answering phone calls from the nurses in the wards.
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The rest of the time, I study about all things parenteral, and it really eats at the brain.
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Still a call virgin. Why are they not calling me? I havent done anything TDM since oh. ages ago, so the longer I don't get called, the more I forget about how to run the blood samples. The on-call book is rather interesting though, topping the list are the snake bites antivenom, followed by a long list of vaccines and several anti-haems; and in which department they are stored. They generally don't call you that late, unless it's paracetamol poisoning, in which case you really haaave to go, so folks please don't eat more than 8 tabs panadol a day, particularly not now, because I'm off to sleep soon.

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5 more nights to go, before the log book and after-hour keys are passed on to the next on-call pharmacist. Like playing hot potato.

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Now playing: Taylor Swift - Should've Said No
via FoxyTunes

Dog & The Laundry

2009-02-07T11:56:00.002Z

Oh, and I caught Dog, red-pawed, as he was rolling and and playing, in the middle of the road, mind, on Miss L's work pants that were left outside to dry. And also her black socks, strewn around him, not quite blending in with the black tar of the road. Not quite clever in covering your tracks, eh, Dog?
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It doesn't help Dog's case that Miss L is scared of dogs. And now that she has to wash those pants again when sunshine is scarce.
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But Dog(gy), you are so adorable when you start following me around everywhere.

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Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me
via FoxyTunes

Forgotten Letter

2009-02-07T10:34:00.004Z

It's sunny today, the sunniest that I've seen in a while. I woke up and continued reading The Chocolate Run from where I left it last night. Ran down awhile and have Dog lick my feet. He is so comot now, and he is still homeless, but I think he's growing rather attached to this house. I have not make up my mind whether I want to adopt him, but it is adorable the way he recognizes my car from afar and starts wagging its tail. I didn't want to name him, because that would mean commitment, but I cant forever call him Dog and anyway my sister beat me to it by naming him Shaggy last week.
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I feel bad for Van who has to do weekend duty alone today, karma would totally bite me where it hurts next weekend. But. Let next week worry about itself. I will survive call nights.
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Anyway after lunch (dont go to Kimmy's, it's mediocre and this is me being nice), Belle's Bookshop to add to the pile of fiction waiting to be read, cendol and Bintang, I went home and went straight to sorting things out. What I found amidst a pile of cards and train tickets and random photographs, was a very official-looking envelope from SFX. I don't remember what it was for so I pulled out the letter and, it turned out to be a letter from Jo dated 4 years ago, after a competition that we (we were a choir group from all walks of life) felt was unfairly judged. It is very lengthy, this letter, but as I read it again today, I am still amazed by her wisdom.
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It started with a personalized Dear Daphne, and somewhere in the middle were the words that struck deep.
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"In the bitter aftertaste of defeat, when love is the last thing you might be feeling, I urge you (as I do myself) to decide to love, to relinquish any lingering bitterness and move on.
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God is not just good, He's great. I believe that He would never be content to let us have second best when He has the absolute best in store for us. My theory is that a victory at ***** ***** would have been that second best (sweet, but still second best)! The possibility of extracting the absolute best lies in how we view the defeat and whether we learn any lessons from it. Don't waste this seemingly negative experience by wallowing in self-pity, self-righteousness and self-justifications of why we we're entitled to feel self-pity and self-righteousness. Still the tempests of fury and clouds of objections that are welling up inside you right now as you read this, and see if any of what I've written above rings true or hits home.
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Had I put in all the hours of practice and effort that you all did, I would probably have been sore as hell and more sour than all the 'asam boi' in the world put together. And in that state of mind, to receive a letter such as this from someone who wasn't even part of the choir would be like pouring salt onto the wound.
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But I'm guided by the way our parish priest (a.k.a. my boss - Fr SY)treats me. When I come to him with my petty concerns in the hopes that he'll validate them, he invariably challenges me to take the higher road and I leave the encounter smarting and sore... yet with a renewed desire to be more gracious and Christ-like.
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And that is what I hope this letter will achieve.
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Please know that all of us at Lifeline are proud of you. Wherever each of you is on the journey towards stepping into the light of Christ, I urge you to plod along (with each other and with me). Let's not give up and keep encouraging each other to take the long, narrow and infinitely more difficult road.. for that is the only one that leads anywhere worthwhile.
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Love in Christ,
Jo"

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So well said.
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Now playing: John Mayer - Covered In Rain
via FoxyTunes

Come, says my heart

2009-02-06T12:11:00.003Z

Fr Dom said something interesting last week and it was something along the lines of "I belong to the order of priesthood which requires me to be celibate, but I still function like a man." You know, just to put the spekurama to rest. I nodded in agreement and in understanding. It took me awhile to realize that saints are saints, they are holy not because God took away the things that could make them impure, but because by God's grace, they managed to defy their humanity and be holy. The cravings of the flesh, the propensity to lash out (I heard Padre Pio had anger issues), they're still there. They're like us, they're like you and I. To be good is not first nature, it's human nature to fall. To sin.
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I repeat, they're not who they are, because they have it easier. They're ordinary people who became extraordinary because they seek more of God. To seek God, it's something that I really need to remind myself to do.
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Oh, and men who become priests and virgins who become nuns, it's definitely not because they do not feel things.
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The reason I'm bringing this up tonight is because maybe I need a reminder to not keep God at arm's length, like I sometimes do. My relationship with God is like a rollercoaster, I'll be on a brief high before I hit the low. Now I'm pushing myself up this incline, to try to be closer again. Jesus come meet me and help me up. The point I'm making to myself tonight is that God is accessible to everyone - to those who pray, and those who don't. To saints and to sinners alike. God is accessible to me. Maybe even more so (accessible) to me, because let's face it, it's the broken who needs mending. It's the sick who needs healing. I am broken and I am sick. I need forgiveness.
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One of my favourite from Psalms is this:
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Hear my voice, Lord, when I call;
have mercy on me and answer me.
"Come", says my heart, "seek God's face";
your face, Lord, do I seek.
Do not hide your face from me;
do not repel your servant in anger.
You are my help: do not cast me off;
do not forsake me, God my saviour.
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Psalm 27: 7-9
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And don't you dare say it's easier for me, because I have access to a bible.
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Now playing: Nichole Nordeman - Gratitude
via FoxyTunes

i just have to say this

2009-02-05T11:43:00.003Z

I'm so cold it's not funny. I'm shivering all over and there are goosebumps everywhere. I just want to stay under the blanket until morning. And not get any work done.

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Now playing: Sea Wolf - You're a Wolf
via FoxyTunes

post hol blues

2009-02-03T11:30:00.003Z

My housemates said I look miserable. I do not dispute that, but it's not too bad inside.
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I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy coming in for work tomorrow.
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So the purple finger nails will have to go by morning, and the beautiful heels (padre begs to differ, naturally) temporarily shoved aside to make way for sensible working shoes. But I guess, I guess I have to be thankful that Madam OPD Preceptor is not yet chasing me for 3 weeks worth of medication reviews, that my next CPD presentation is postponed a week from the previous date (good, because I have nothing yet on that front), and that I still have 2 weeks before the start of paeds med.
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Home was great, the way it should be. I spent a lot of time at Atiyi's (a.k.a. Aunty #3) and Tuai's (Aunty #1), and grandma is always happy to see me. Bintulu really is small in the sense that I felt that I cannot go anywhere without meeting (i) Tiki, or (ii) people related to Tiki. But it's nice, the way everything is so familiar, though I find myself bringing work back home with me. It's freaky how frequent I dreamt of being in the hospital, working, and random things that I see when I sleep, like prednisolone, or atenolol formulated sausages for better compliance. Gila.
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On the bright side, I'm getting better at it, this pharmacy thing. I spent time going over my aunts' meds, trying to identify what was what and I was pleased I got 90% right. But let's face it, what else can be white and a quarter of a pill if not aspirin? The 10% was because I didn't know what moduretic looks like, but now I know. It's oval and orangey-pink.
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(Knock on the door. Oh, it's my copy of Pharmacy Practice Manual. Now begging to be read, the vile thing.)
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I like this song. It makes me wanna go twirl and twirl around. I actually did, the twirling thing, now I'm a bit dizzy.

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Now playing: The Postal Service - Nothing Better
via FoxyTunes

The Great Sad Book

2009-01-25T06:16:00.003Z

I've been eyeing Cormac McCarthy's The Road for sometime now, but I never dared to pick it up, until Saturday. The book is said to be rather bleak, and the last thing I need is a depressing book. But I thought since I was home for a few days, surrounded by familiarity and comfort, why not.
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It was very hard reading it till the end, that much I can tell you. But surprisingly I wanted to keep on reading it, and now 24 hours later, I'm done.
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And I cried, and then I laughed, why am I crying over a book, it's not even real, and then I cried again, because it felt so real. I don't think I'm going to re-read it any time soon, but it's really good and intense. Just don't be alone. I hear they're making a movie out of it - I hope it'll be as great.
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Going back again to work again on Tuesday. I'll be in satellite this month. Will be bringing the sibs along with me, since I'll be alone what's with everyone being on leave for CNY. Good to be home as usual, my sister and I been making earrings. It really is fun once you get the hang of (looping beads together, moulding and snapping wires) it. I modeled a new dress yesterday, the colour of midnight blue, for dad. He asked me, "Nangka nya ajak iya?" - is that as far as it goes?, and touches his knees (it was a bit too short). I laughed and said yes, but I can always wear leggings. "What about here, is that all?", he asked again, this time, arms crossed and touching his shoulders. Yes, that's it, but of course I'll be wearing something over it.
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Something a lot like relief crossed his face. He says/asks the funniest thing, I think.

Raining (cats and) Dogs

2009-01-20T13:08:00.005Z

Rain brought a dog to my door. I was walking down the stairs after a shower, when Miss S told me we have a special guest. She opened the door and as if on cue, a dog looked at me and wagged. As if it's saying hi. With big black eyes, wet beautiful brown fur and a waggy waggy tail, I didn't stand a chance. As it is, it's sleeping in the porch. I just spent the last half an hour watching through the window as it sleeps. I put an old rag over it but this dog, apparently, do not understand the ideas of blanket and the importance of keeping warm, so it moved about shaking the piece of cloth off.
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Poor doggy. I don't have any dog-edible food. It must be hungry.
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But it's so beautiful I want to keep it.

Sunday Afternoon

2009-01-11T08:56:00.003Z

Sunday, wins hands-down as the best day for overanalysing matters, which explains the subsequent emo-ness and melancholy. Precipitated by the fact that I'm manifesting withdrawal symptoms.. of the sudden lack of company once mom and dad (but mostly dad) vroomed vroomed their way back to home. Which is 2 hours away, or 3.5hours if thou doth travel by bus.
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I am suddenly alone with too much time on my hands. Being alone is not depressing per se, but I do tend to dwell on things that I cannot change. God give me the serenity. Or things that I lack courage to change. So I end up... like this. Like now. Melancholic.
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We are a pair of idiots. Nay. There's you, and there's me; there is no pair. Like I said, idiots.
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Burn studying, the housemates and I are going merayau tonight. A new item has been mysteriously added to my wish list, and it has nothing to do with the fact that 2 of my housemates have these new, very pretty storage boxes which I imagine, will look very pretty at the foot of my bed.

Melah pinang

2009-01-10T16:11:00.007Z

This much I know is true:
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1. I got bored at the wedding (gasp!)
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2. I went mostly because it was held at the Eastwood Valley Country Club.
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3. And because it's good to make more Miri acquaintances and know who's who.
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4. But I really did love the lightings and everything. The place is gorgeous.
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5. (So I camwhored) You haven't seen a picture of me in a long time.
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6. And I want Shayne Ward's Breathless at my wedding reception.
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But please don't hold your breath. :)

Intimate Matter

2009-01-07T11:02:00.004Z

I did my first vaginal cream counselling today with a 49 yo Iban patient. I went inside the counselling room with light footsteps. This should be easy, I thought, the cream and applicator is nifty and very user friendly. But as we sat down, and as I started to try to explain I realised that Oh. My. Word. Doing it in Iban was hard because every word seemed vulgar. I had to resort to lubang keluar anak and utai. Because I sure as heck can't say the P word.
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But I managed to explain it (well) and explained the indication for the Premarin cream (ngambi enda rangkai - rangkai itself sounded vulgar, and it also rhymes with bangkai), and she understood. All was well, until towards the end, she asked me, and I shall translate it for you's,
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"Boleh main-main ka... dengan itu?"
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I choked. My mind was like, "What do you mean, for lubricant? Part of foreplay? Sex toy?!", as she continued to look at me expectantly, waiting for a reply. I mean, she did say main-main.
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Then, click. It became clear what she was really asking about. She was simply asking, whether she still can have intimate relations with her husband while on the cream. Because she sure as heck can't say the Iban B word. That's like saying the F word which is totally inappropriate in that setting.
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As I replied her, it was very hard to keep a straight face, as did she.
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And surely, there are better terms for all these things in Iban? But by Jove, saying main-main to mean sex is one of the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Joie de vivre

2009-01-06T13:36:00.003Z

I met the sweetest old man today. At 74, he's rather ancient (to me), but he's one of those who age well. When I called his number, he came up to me, noticed my cross pendant and asked me whether I was a Christian. I said "Yes, I am" and he exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!" Our ensuing conversation was very pleasant; sprinkled throughout with a lot of God, and it ended with a very soothing "The Lord be with you" from Nice Old Uncle.
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I was in Cloud 9.
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There was definitely something different about today, the way I found something to be happy about in every moment, and it started even before Nice Old Uncle. At 9am, when there was a brief lull in the number of patients coming in, I thank God for the quietness. At 1pm when my back was aching and the patient load was still heavy, I thank God for the fact that the stomach is still okay and not begging for lunch. At 5.40pm, I thank God, of course, for the simple fact that I was finally making my way home. Today, I also caught myself thinking, I love life. I've never thought that before. Today I was happy just to be, all problems just pushed to the peripheries, til there's just me and the present moment. Verily I say unto thee, a very novel thought.
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It has been a very rainy (dawn) day (night) in Miri, but in my heart, I felt only sunshine. Days like these come far and few in between, in fact, today is a first in many months. For today, and for my life that you've given, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

High

2009-01-04T11:04:00.002Z

I'm still alone at house. Note that I said house because I find it hard calling this house home. Not yet, but I'll get there. I'm starting to feel? to be? quite fond of Miri. The housemates are not back yet, airport pickup later at about 9pm. I would have to hunt down my January punch card later tonight, much like a school kid would hunt around for his or her missing name tag before school reopens. Because work resumes tomorrow.
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Thanks, guys, for the lovely Christmas break, both to yang terlibat secara langsung, mahupun yang tidak langsung. The former would be the family members whom I actually spent Christmas with, the latter would be the friends back for Christmas that I met/saw. I would also like to thank the makers of PS2 for continuing to keep my siblings and I entertained, and the developers of Spartan: Total Warrior. Please, anyone out there, do not hesitate to contribute to the Daphne Needs an Xbox 360 Fund. Or you can buy any other newer toys, I don't mind, but please not a Wii, because the last thing I want to do in the evenings is move about shaking the analog.
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Dang, I'm still on a holiday high.
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New Year Eve's was an explosion of memories and subsequent utmost gratitude to God. My heart did funny things when my Past and Present collided, it was like waking up to a strange new reality where the two coexist, and are no longer compartmentalized. I don't know how to explain the feeling, but it's much like suddenly finding a connexion between two seemingly unrelated books, or a sense of continuity. Whatever it is, I'm relieved the two's finally merged. I love it that you might not understand what I'm saying. Because this is a heart on my sleeve paragraph.
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Wica and I left the impressions of our arses on the Hilux because being monkeys we climbed to the top of the car for a better view of the fireworks. Didn't know that it's vulnerable and all soft metal up there. It was exhilarating, I spent the ride home sitting at the back of the Hilux. The traffic lights stops were odd moments though, had to look everywhere but the cars lined up behind.
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All in all a good end to 2008, and a fun beginning to the new year.
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Stocked on fun books and movies. I have fresh flowers in the bathroom. I have salmon and pollock in the fridge, cheese and dark seed bread, all the things that keep me happy happy happy. I'm ready for Month 3 of provisional year.

Feliz Navidad

2008-12-25T01:41:00.000Z

Tis NOT the season to be bothered.
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Tapi saya geram lah dengan awak!
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It's an unprecedented Christmas eve. I spent the Christmas Eve eve, watching wrestling, until midnight. Then the eve itself is pretty uneventful, no family reunion dinner thingy like years previous, except for an impromptu supper session after mass at Uncle Martin's. Much quieter this year. My happy moment today is when I knelt down and kissed the little cousins on their sweaty post-running-around foreheads. Abraham is so cute at least he doesn't wipe his cheeks anymore when he thinks I'm not looking after I'm done planting kisses and such. Little brother is now playing PS2 with his altar server friend Mark who'll be spending Christmas with us. The two of them seem to be having fun. I fancy me some of that.
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I can't believe the fact that it's 1.30am and my mom is still cooking. I'll be doing my turkey, salmon and pork tomorra. Mom has this impression that I'm an expert. We'll see how the family lunch will turn out.
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Merry Christmas y'all!

Leopards don't change spots

2008-12-14T10:19:00.002Z

I have a presentation on pesticide poisoning this Wednesday. You bet I'm not done with the slides yet. Sigh. But I don't regret going back this weekend. I wasn't supposed to, but mom requested for me to come home, so I took the bus out last Friday after work. I spent Saturday morning trying to do the slides and climbing the ladder hanging up the Christmas wreaths for mom. Then I went to see my grandma and the nephews and the nieces. Seeing Aaron crawl underneath the table towards me. Snuggling with Aidan while he just contentedly sucked on his milk bottle. Holding the tiny baby Audrey. Baby steps with Anne. Trying to catch Adrian while he runs around. It was a lovely afternoon, and it helped me gain perspective somehow. On bad days I will treasure those moments with the children. Like a Band-aid to soothe the tired heart.
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I also joined the annual Christmas procession, I don't remember the last time I joined the event. Probably in secondary school. Wasn't as fun as I remembered it to be, but it was still good. My favourite part was when I looked around; everyone was in white and the candlelight was gently illuminating their faces. It was a peaceful sight.
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And now I shall have to do some mugging. Aih, just like the good old uni days. Hopefully this time I'll have an edge because not a lot of the FRPs are familiar with poisoning. So what, even if they shoot me badly, which I know for a fact will happen, because that is just what they have to do to PRPs, I shall think of the fact that I'll be on leave starting Wednesday next week.

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Imperial

2008-12-10T14:08:00.004Z

You know you need a new dress when you slip into an one, and you don't feel anything anymore. Novelty's worn off. Boo.
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But it was a great evening, never mind the fact that I was blushing the last 15mins of the wedding dinner, because my colleagues decided to tease me with one of the 12.5%. I'm being intentionally vague, but Van(esha), I'll think of something to get back at you, I promise. But the Christmas tree thingy was smart la wei.
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It really is too early to be merry making, dang.

Happyness (Is Also Listening to John Mayer's Free Falling)

2008-12-08T12:28:00.006Z

I read this from somewhere recently, "I am where I choose to be."
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I am lazy by nature, I have to admit. I have to work hard at working hard, at studying hard, at fulfilling obligations, and getting chores done. I have to put in extra efforts, because getting things done, is not second nature to me. Uh huh, I'm a bum. Which is why I'm thinking of going back to either Perth or Gold Coast for a while, because the best bumming memories that I have, they happened there. With the beach, the sun, the laidback people, you know how's it like.
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Anyway, I've been like that all my life, I think. I'm not a go-grabber. But I find that it bothers me a bit now, how I'm often content with mediocrity. It's only now, when I feel like the walls are closing in on me, that I truly appreciate the fact that I am capable of having so much more, that I can break free, if I only try. If I only bother. I'll be lying if I say I'm completely happy here, nevermind the fact that I chose this city. I chose to come here.
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It bothers me the fact that I am seemingly one-dimensional now. I breathe and live work, and it's making me sick, this obsession, this constant trying to not appear as the wet behind the ears intern. I am the pharmacist. Beyond that, I have no life. It makes me sad to think that it could be different, if I try. I'd still be what I am now, but so much more, if you get my gist. If I try to grab happiness, I could be happy.
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Besides Aunty Jenny and her family, and Van, and my housemates, I know no one here. Funny enough. Tiada kaki, sob, but I've come to accept it. Except that, dear Lord, it does get depressing at times. Which brings me back to the point; that if I bother, I could be happier.
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Flowers make me happy. I've been meaning to pay a visit to the florist to get some fresh flowers. I never got around to it because it's been too hot to drive out. Coffee makes me very happy. I've been meaning to plant myself in a cafe and just read a book, by my lonesome. Never got around to it, because finding a place to park the car is tough. I've been meaning to make this house a home, a bit more cozier, a bit more homelike. Never got around to it because I don't know where to start. I like cakes. I like singing in a choir. I love carolling. I love movies. I love socializing. But unless I start going out and stop feeding my misery, soon enough I think I'm going to be a zombie.
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But hey, don't yous worry. I'm perfectly fine. Besides I just got back from Aunty J's, where it feels like home. I'm good, it's just that I'm thinking why should I continue living this way, why should I continue limiting myself when I know I can achieve so much more in life. The human abilities to be resilient, and to adapt to new environment is amazing. I just have to start using mine.
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Times like this, I'll think of Mich, and how she still bravely soldiers on by her lonesome, and I'm inspired again. Scotland can be a harsh place for some. But hey, see who's climbing Ben Lomond and joining triathlon and doing nature hikes and the whole coffee and cakes thing. On her own. She's making the best of everything, and she's a happier (junior) doctor. So should I be too. I am my own person. I must not rely on others for happiness. I am where I choose to be.
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I promise tonight that I will try, I will not be helpless anymore. I will not just lie around moping in my room thinking of how miserable I am. I will not be content with mediocrity. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Movie

2008-12-07T23:40:00.004Z

Oh. I forgot to say last night; Twilight didn't disappoint as a disappointment. Bleh. Expectedly nothing like the book. Only Bella remained Bella. The rest, didn't seem quite right. They do better Harry Potter movies, me thinks. Oh and you please stop cutting kissing scenes Malaysian censorship powers that be?
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I still like Rob Pattz, but better as Cedric Diggory. In Twilight he was too made up. And kayu.

Twilight Moment

2008-12-07T11:37:00.010Z

I watched Twilight today and while the mushiness and corniness (they normally come hand in hand) is harder to watch than it is to read, it managed to make me feel sad. It's not true what they say, about things can only happen in the movies. I was observing the mass of people today and I saw love everywhere. A wife absentmindedly clinging to her husband's hand as they braved the throng of people. A young teenage couple holding hands - the girl broke contact for a while looking at her watch, and as they continued talking, the boy reached for her hand again, like it's second nature.
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Like it's unnatural to be apart.
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The music kept on blaring; the Christmas songs a bit too upbeat, a bit too mainstream - money making music as if to urge consumers to buy! buy! buy! Harassed shoppers swerving in and out of aisles, dodging fellow shoppers. Aunties choosing onions and garlics. Fathers carrying their daughters in their arms. Uncles wandering around looking bored. Little boys running around playing hide and seek. I stood still in a corner and watched the world go by. The atmosphere was too heavy like I couldn't breathe. My emotions were bothering me, my surroundings overwhelming me. I looked up and beyond I can see the palm trees swaying in the twilight. In the most mundane and uninspiring of places, I sought God.
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"Can you hear me from here, Lord?" I asked in the silence of my heart, amidst the deafening noise.
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Christ in me even when I stand here in the middle of weekend supermarket chaos.
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As I imagined God standing next to me, waiting with me, I said to Him, "It's no wonder he can't find me, Lord, in this sea of people." God, and His unfathomable ways; although He was by my side, He kept silent. I grew anxious. I looked around and wondered, could he be here, but we don't notice each other? Humans are made to love. It's unnatural to be apart, unnatural to be without, I continued to reason.
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My heart began to pound erratically. Nervous. Worried. Inside, I was in turmoil.
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Where is he? Be still, my heart. Lord, I am sad and lonely. Seek rest in the Lord, my soul. But he might be looking for me! I'm here, can't he see me? The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Lord, it hurts. With His crook and His staff, He comforts me.
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As God maintained His silence, slowly, my anxiety gave way to understanding. Deep inside my heart, I began to understand what He's asking, and that is for me to trust completely in His Goodness. Loneliness and the longing to be loved are vain terrors.
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My anxiously beating heart quieted down. I stopped worrying whether we can find each other, with our vision obscured by people coming and go around us. God will work it out. God will bring us together, if it's His will.
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I resumed a more relaxed pose in that corner, and I imagined that God at the very moment holding me. Keeping me together. And we continued watching the world go by. Now that I look back at that moment, I thank God, ironically, for the fact that I am still waiting. In my pain and frustration, His face I seek. I see more glimpses of God, and I know it will be okay.

Store-ys

2008-12-04T11:59:00.003Z

Right. Fourth day in store. It's not too bad once you're used to the paucity of work. But it really is so quiet in here, and I'm alone most of the time. My current preceptor is a busy, busy man, so I have another FRP mentor-ing me instead. My FRP mentor has the same surname as Darren, and I have to suppress the reflex to say "Mr Wang, ada wang ka?" I know right, I'm lame. Di and Darren told me so everytime I said that before. Lameness aside, I hope that I won't be posted to store, ever, after the end of my PRP year. I didn't go through 3.5 years of chemistry and pharmacokinetics and pharmacology pain - just to sit in an office and order and manage stock. I feel redundant here, to be honest, which is why I go back to OPD on lunch breaks. The adrenaline rush, and the high is addictive.
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Anyway, I was missed in OPD noon today. There was an Iban patient from goodness knows where, and she couldn't understand a word of BM, and there were only Chinese dispensers there. The dispenser who could do rudimentary Iban wasn't available, and the Iban herself, aku kan di stor. That's nothing. What really gets me, and the rest, frustrated, is when the Kayan and Kenyah folks start to come in. None of us can speak any of those, and it happens most of the time, what's with this being Kayan land.
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But, I love it when the native neneks sometimes bring their (young adult) grandsons as translators. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Plus, they're cute (I'd say panas really, but let's just stick to the milder term, cute).
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:)
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Still speaking of languages, I was dispensing last week when it was an old Chinese man's turn. He couldn't speak Malay. At all. The other (Chinese) pharmacist was busy, so I was on my own. It started with a very broken "Ni ting de tong BM ma, uncle?" For the life of me, I do not know how to say BM in Mandarin. He said no. Dengan gagapnya, I explained that I was "bu shi hua ren, ke se wo hui jiang yi tian". Luckily, it was just multivits, once daily, and I managed to crap my way through a Mandarin conversation.
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Le sigh. If I can have one superpower, I want to be a linguist.

Tripping

2008-12-02T22:03:00.004Z

Seriously, has it been a year already, since last winter?
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I heard Leona Lewis on the radio last night and it brought me instantly back to the pharmacology lab in the SIPBS building. It reminded me of the radio, nay, the songs we used to listen to in the lab. It brought flashes of us; the Glaswegians and Malaysians alike peeking out the lab window at the first snow of the season. Hot soup for lunch, and sandwiches. Ricardo gulping espresso. Nicole singing crazily. Fiona laughing at Nicole. Jin Werne made an almost Freudian slip at Trevor. Trevor being the scary giant. Tony dropping candies into our lab pockets the last day before Christmas break. Andy opening the fridge. Luke, with his guinea pig ileum dangling form his forceps. Mimi and her camera. Stuart, his mysterious lanky figure at the back. Loni and her shy smiles. Lisa and her confident strides.
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And the songs never stop playing. They'd play Christmas songs. They'd play Take That, of course, and that Morrisons jingle. And that JCB song. And of course, there's Bleeding Love.
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Good memories. They make me smile.

This is for Ame

2008-11-20T13:45:00.003Z

Amelia Danielle Ambrose (your Dusun name suddenly escapes me), you rock!
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My cheeks are now pleasantly hurting from laughter. You goose you!

Of God and Things

2008-11-20T10:07:00.002Z

Seriously, I need a lot of things to get me going daily. Which is why my lab coat pockets are like Doraemon's, they're filled with everything. But most importantly I carry Jesus' image around, and a rosary, not as a good luck charm, but just as a reminder that I am loved, someone is taking care of me.

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I read something very good today.
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The everlasting God has in His wisdom, foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you, He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His Divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with His loving arms and weighed with His own hands, to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His grace, perfumed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God. Our business is to love what would have done. He wills our vocation as it is. Let us love that and not trifle away our time hankering after other people's vocations.

-- St. Francis de Sales

Being an intern is hard. The learning curve also feels kinda steep. When it gets too crazy I'll sing psalms to myself, and it makes me feel better. Everything is passing, only God is unchanging.

And I met Monsignor today, as in the very Monsignor Rev. Fr. Francis Kuleh. He was parish priest at St Anthony's back home for a few years. Fancy that. I was dispensing and I was so happy when I saw his name. We chatted a while. I like to think that was God('s rep) saying hello.

I promise when I'm an FRP I will not be hard on the PRP's. I will not forget how hard and bewildering it was to adapt from the perfect theoretical practical labs of Pharmacy Practice, to real life pharmacy practice. I will remember the fact that I was once was at the bottom of the pecking order and I once knew nuts. I will be more patient and I will not shout.

I suppose I have to thank God I'm not a medical intern. At least I don't have to work straight for 36 hours. Shudder.

DNR

2008-11-19T12:40:00.003Z

It's weird how you think you've closed the doors on something, you think you've got It all behind you, you think you've buried It for good.
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Kata kunci: Think
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You thought wrong.
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The regret is still there, like a dull throbbing. I don't like the way it sneaks on me in my dreams, in particular. It's like I'm regressing. In my dreams, time is still, and things are still the way they were years ago. It's like dreaming of a dead person, only in your dreams, you didn't realise that he's dead, until you wake up. Ok. Come to think of it, I do like it when the dreams happen, because it brings me back to home. Comforting arms around me is home. It's hard to let It go when I get these nocturnal visits to a period long gone. They leave me feeling dizzy and confused. Circumstances have changed so much. It has a DNR sign. It's dead, leave it be, do not resuscitate.
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But the thing is, in the tiniest compartment of my heart, I know It is still alive. No matter how small, it's still there. Just because the memory of It is all fuzzy now, it's like looking through an old black and white set, it doesn't mean that It's not real. It was very real once. I cherished It, and I loved It. It was another part of me. For that very reason, despite It being seemingly dead, I can't let It go, just yet.
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You'd think by now I'm okay with this cutting ties business. I thought so. Until I felt these pangs of sadness. But it's okay. You know what they love to quote, you jump, I jump. I see you might have jumped, I'm surprisingly not that ready to leave everything, so I'll follow suit, I'll jump away from It, soon enough.
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Ok, I'm happy. My chest feels lighter now. I needed to say this out.

H. Miri

2008-11-18T13:36:00.002Z

Where do I start?
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Do I talk about how my working life's been? Or do I talk about private stuff that's been on my mind?
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Hmm.
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I'm in my 3rd week of OPD, (that's outpatient pharmacy catering for patients from various specialist clinics) and I'm getting better at it. On my first day I was absolutely floored by the stress of OPD; when dad came to see for lunch time, I found myself tearing at the sight of a comforting figure. It's odd how I'm homesick when home is only 2 hours away. I've been further, but I've never felt this acute longing for home. I finally moved in to my new place last weekend. It's so near the hospital; I suppose I could walk to work, but then again I'd get all sweaty. I went to see Aunty Jenny & Co. after work today for dinner. Previously stayed with them for about 2 weeks before I found a place. I miss the family environment, I had fun staying with them, so was definitely glad to see them this evening. I lepak-ed at their place for awhile after dinner for ovaltine, tv and cake while waiting for my cousin Nico to figure out this USB modem thingy (kepala i fening trying to make sense of how it works). So now I have internet. Yay, me!

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I have to admit, doing this job is hard, at least at this stage when I'm not that competent yet. Sometimes it will get so busy in there, with patients coming in in hundreds, that I'd feel completely overwhelmed. But little things keep me going. When I see the gratitude on the weather-beaten faces of those old Iban men and women, everytime I hear a "terima kasih, endu" I know I did some good today, and it makes me happy. It makes pharmacy more worthwhile. Everytime I see puzzled frowns breaking into nods of comprehension, I know I did good. When they start to tell me things about themselves, I'd keep listening as much as I can, even if it means longer dispensing time, because I want to show them that I do care. I'm not just there to hand over a multitude of drugs blindly according to the dr's list, I'm there because I care. Or at least I'm trying. To be compassionate.
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I've seen this particular mother twice this week; dragging along her son who has a psychiatric problem. You know they're coming before you actually see them because he laughs uncontrollably. Literally, repetitive bursts of laughter. Secretly, that boy makes me happy. He's just happy, I'd think to myself, what's wrong with that? Ah, well. That's just me.

Rusks

2008-10-29T04:45:00.003Z

Brother and I went out for lunch today because I was lazy to cook and he was lazy to wait for me to cook. We stopped by at the nearby store on the way home because we ran out of spaghetti. He never gets tired of eating it, so I thought I should make him some more before I go off. Ended up buying things like Meiji Panda biscuits (LOL, it all started with a certain Mr Dr J Rob) and Tenten corn rice crackers. My brother calls them brain food. *shrugs* I checked the manufacturing country, what's with the melamine scare and all that, and they all seemed okay.
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In a spark of what I thought as ingenuity, I decided to grab the Baby Bites rusks as well, for myself. I figured it was a healthier alternative to the ridiculously high in salt & MSG Tenten. I went to the counter to pay. I forgot to check them, and turns out they're made in China. But I only found out when I got home. Boo. I enlisted the help of my good friend Google and found out that the baby rusks have been recalled in certain countries, so I am bit peeved now due to the fact that they are still on the shelves here. I demand a refund policy, and then, I'd demand a refund.
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Come to think of it, was that why they offered a 1-ringgit discount on the rusks?
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Bah. I've always loved Tenten anyway.

Misplaced the rose tinted glasses

2008-10-22T05:12:00.004+01:00

Home is weird in the sense that it makes me feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I discover traits that I never really noticed in myself before. It feels like second puberty, except that I don't recall ever having as much angst as a teen. I came back so sure of where I was in the world, I was confident, and I was my own person, but I'm not sure what exactly happened in the last few months to change my perspective on things. I was a student for so long, and I made it, and I have lovely friends, that's how I defined myself. But now that I'm removed from that existence, I've lost my footing somehow. I don't know who I really am, a tantrum throwing daughter? A bully of a sister? A sucky housekeeper? I'm not that good at any of those roles. My problem is that I'd get too hung up about the half empty glasses, the lemons, and the cherry pits; that I don't see the half full glasses of cherry-flavoured lemonade (ok I made that drink up but it sounds quite pretty, yeah?)
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I know the solution, and it's not Valium or Prozac or St John's Wort. I need to go for confession and get rid of all these heavy things that weigh down on my soul, it's been almost a year. I think it's hardly coincidence that I've been increasingly feeling lost since I've been away from God, and I long for that peace and sense of security I used to have. I don't know how to come back.

A is for Allupurinol is for gout

2008-10-22T03:35:00.004+01:00

I called up Ministry of Health yesterday and like expected, I will be posted to Sarawak in 2 weeks. Thing is, I would have to report to MOH Sarawak which is in Kuching before I know which Sarawak hospital exactly. After which I would have to go back to Bintulu again, get my stuff and move to whichever city I'm posted at. It annoys me a bit, having to go all the way to Kuching, because Sarawak is hardly like any other states. Mich used to say it's the only state where you can drive for 12 hours and still be in the same state. I could not agree more.

Loser

2008-09-30T08:26:00.004+01:00

Semalam saya bermain Runescape. Saya taktaw la pulak what happened to my previous account, which I've been using for the past hmm.. 3 years, so I made a new account. So I'm back to being a newbie lah kiranya.
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Anyhoo I was killing goblins behind the Farmer Fred's kebun, when a dude passed by the area and killed a goblin with a single strike of his sword. I had to hit the goblins with a few blows baru they die, see? Then he was like
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Orang jahat: Loser.
Me: *terpegun seketika*
Orang jahat: Loser. You can see I'm beather then you.
Me: Well, yes, at least I'm a better speller.
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Tidak pula dia berkata-kata lagi selepas itu.

Buang tabiat

2008-09-30T07:20:00.003+01:00

Hari ini hari saya bermula awal sekali, pukul 6 suku dah diketuk ketuk pintu. I bolted for the door, terkejut, ingatkan apa and terlanggar the foot of the bed. Shite, another bruise lah itu. Adik lelaki rupanya. Cheh. Bergoyang goyang pintu dibuatnya. Bawa jogging. Mak, aku tak rela... Tapi semalas-malasnya aku, malas lagi adik pompuan ku itu. Malas bangun. Tapi terpaksa, tu lah, beriya-iya sangat janji semalam nak pergi. So we went. Jogging sambil menyedut udara pagi yang best. Adik lelaki semangat sungguh, bermeter-meter di hadapan. Tapi kami berdua yang di belakang at least ada dihonkan oleh kereta yang lalu lalang, kerana lawa ka huduh ka, entah, but I like to think it's the former.
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Oh ya, adik perempuan saya dah balik cuti raya untuk dua minggu (padahalnya kami bukannya beraya pon LOL). Best juga dia ada. Dia rajin lipat baju, tapi tak suka vacuum. Saya amatlah rajin vacuum, tapi tak suka langsung lipat baju, so between the two of us, we do chores around the house well enough. Aku suka dia. Semalam untuk dinner dia cuma panaskan the chicken and the fishies in bamboo dan mengukus sayur sawi. Dia kata dengan mom and dad tak boleh makan yang lawa-lawa, control makan untuk jaga kesihatan, sebab itu masak tu je. Padahalnya saya suspek dia tu malas sikit nak sediakan benda lain LOL. Tapi, seperti aku kata tadi, aku suka dia, sebab dia cakap macam tu, semua orang di rumah akan dengar cakap dia, sebab dia med student. Apa Erica cakap, semua akan ikut. Sebab siapa berani lawan doktor hehe.
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Bestnya, waktu ini, semua orang ada di rumah.
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Adik lelaki pun cuti. Sebab kami bertiga ~~malas~~ tiada masa, kami memang tidak memasak tengahari dua hari lepas ini. Semalam kami terpikat dengan juadah KFC, hari ini pula aku dan Rica ke kopitiam untuk membungkus nasi ayam salad. Tapi sememangnya kami tiada masa untuk masak, memandangkan hari-hari saya terpaksa ke driving academy di waktu tengahari, menghantar dan menunggu sementara Rica belajar memandu kereta enjin asyik mati ish. Mula-mula Man, sekarang budak ni plak. Sampai instructor mana naik kereta mana pun saya tahu.
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Gusi saya sakit kerana saya teething. Itu sebab saya makan cendol untuk dinna kelmarin (mom and dad makan sayur kukus kesian) Kebetulan malam semalam saya pun berjumpa dengan seorang bayi yang juga sedang teething. Tapi saya tak lah gigit gigit orang macam dia. Kononnya wisdom teeth. Tapi rasa-rasanya I won't be any wiser. Just.. toothier.
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Anyway, selamat hari raya to all yang menyambut. Mudah-mudahan, mom or dad bawa kitaorang pergi visiting esok. Kalau tak pon, takpe lah. That just means aku terpaksa cari perencah masak hitam Liza dan masak sendiri (biarpun biasanya best lagi makan di rumah orang). Aku juga gumbira kerana kami mungkin akan ke Niah dan Miri hujung minggu ini. Dah lama tak ke Miri, rindu pulak dengan Luak Bay and dim sum kat 2020. I also miss the McD Bintang Plaza for lunch ritual. Hohoho :)

Finding God in the pots and pans

2008-09-23T08:03:00.004+01:00

So. Sorry I have been away and have not been replying to comments. Something was inexplicably wrong with my Streamyx, so I've been internet-less, but now, all's good.
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It's been 3 weeks since the help quitted the job, and I took over. I'm so not meant for household management for an extended period of time, contrary to what I initially thought. So as selfish as this may sound, I cannot get wait to get away and be responsible for no one but myself again. Mom and dad don't shoot me. Sure, it's not like I'm doing backbreaking work. While the rest of my yet to be posted batchmates are having fun shopping, clubbing, gym-ing, going out on dates, I've been pressing clothes (I don't like this), doing laundry (I don't like folding clothes), vacuuming and mopping floors (Su May knows how much I hate mopping), cooking lunch, cooking dinner, picking bro up from school, sending him and waiting for him there at the driving school, car engine off under the hot afternoon sun, water the plants, running off to the supermarket for emergency rations, but oh my word, it's so getting old. Sure it's not that hard, but it is rather tiring; and I'll already be asleep by 9 or 10pm.

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It's no wonder I've been extremely pissy. Help me, I'm SO frustrated.
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Sigh.
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I don't have a life. But I do. It's just that it's hard to be grateful for the very fact that I am still alive, still breathing, sheltered, fed and loved when the days that passed by were so dull. I remember what Gareth told me once, and that is to follow what St Teresa, to do little things well. So mid-working, whenever I think of that conversation, I'd feel a little better, straightened my back up a bit, and continue working, showing a bit more enthusiasm. Though that's not to say it helps reduces my longing to do fun young people stuff; getting facials, shopping, going to see films, going for drinks.
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I don't know for how much longer I would have to wait for my posting letter. I've got a feeling I'll be reporting by mid-October or November. It's funny how these things are done so slow considering how we're still acutely lacking in manpower. But until then, I cannot continue being unhappy and uncontented with this inertness. I need to stop being miserable and start finding if not joy, at least a sense of accomplishment and contentment after finishing the day's work. I need to find God in the pots and pans.

Consequences

2008-09-02T04:45:00.002+01:00

Today is a bad day, but praise the Lord anyway.
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I was in the Klinik Kesihatan today to get my medical check-up done before I start working. Was looking for a parking spot and turned at a tight corner with a car also coming from the opposite direction. She didn't move, and I know there were cars behind me. Someone has got to move. Had I the hindsight, had my good judgement and common sense were there for me to rely on, I would have known it was a bad move. I felt trapped there. It was a split second decision. I inched forward.. and I scratched her car, and mine. Door flew open. Uh oh. A NURSE! She screamed at me. She was angry and rightly so, I was the one who made the move that cost us both. I was dumbfounded, it felt surreal, and I thought this could not be happening to me. But it did.
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Sigh.
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She parked her car and went to find me. I was already parked underneath a tree, hands shaking, head spinning. I saw her coming and I prayed to God for strength. I stepped out of the car. She was composed by then, the damage was minimal she said. Thank God. I was profusely saying sorry. I looked at her closer, and thought she could have been my mom. She was nice the second time around, and said she's sorry for raising her voice. I was like hmm.. yeah, must have belatedly remembered it's Ramadan. But I thank God then, at least she's no longer furious. We exchanged numbers, and I went inside, bracing the crowd.
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It was only 8.15am, and there were so many people there. Mostly Iban. Like me. I took a number. 187. Only 70 plus people ahead of me. I can hardly move, it was so packed. I finally found a seat at a far corner. Waited for more than an hour to register. I was uncomfortable. The nurse from the car incident might be anywhere in the building and I certainly do not want to bump into her or anything. It was finally my turn at the registry. I handed them the form and I had to wait for another half an hour or more to be attended to. A nurse finally opened the door and called my name. Vital statistics test, and eye test. She gave a wee pee bottle (LOL), to be handed to the lab, and other forms to be given to different departments. I went to the toilet, it was at the far end. It must be there, the sharp urine smell I could smell first, before I could see the toilet sign itself. I peered into a cubicle and I was transported back into high school. I hiked my pants up and folded them. I went inside, closed the door. There was turd behind the door, and behind closed doors, the urine stink to high heavens. There were no sinks, no toilet papers. I fought back a wave of nausea. I needed to do this.
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Relieved that it was over, I made my way to the lab, carrying the bottle as inconspicuously as I could. Waited another 40 minutes before they finally took the bottle from me. Headed for the X-Ray department next. Just sat down and was immediately called in. Uncharacteristically fast. Smelly old robes. That done, dentist next. Not in, come back tomorrow. And in another 2 weeks to get the lab tests result back. After 2.5hours, I was finally done. I drove back home in fear, at 60km/h.
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Phone calls from parents, who paid for my expensive mistake. Terse conversations punctuated by dismissive, irritated goodbyes, but understandably so. It was a few seconds mistake, few seconds of lapse judgement, but as a result I've been feeling bad about it the whole morning. Waiting there on the wobbly wooden bench all I could think of was how sorry I was. The long, hot and sweaty wait, I deserved it. The awful toilet bit, I so deserved it. I feel so small.
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And I have enough I told you so's, if you please.

Holiday (-ing in) Inn

2008-08-28T06:01:00.003+01:00

I took the morning flight to Kuching, and arrived about 9.40a.m. Today is a good day, as I managed to check into the hotel by 10.30, no hassle of waiting until 2pm for a room kind of thang. So I thank you God, for making this easier for me. I've been cooped up in my room ever since, well prepared, mind, with my trusty ol NEC laptop, since the HP motherboard is totally screwed and would not get well again for less than RM2340, which in my opinion is crap, since I paid.. ahem, Dad paid so much to get it in the first place. But enough ranting.
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I'm cooped up because I spent the rest of the morning trying to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. I am my own barrier. I don't think it's going to be that bad, at least not as bad as getting into the lab each morning and answer a barrage of questions from Trevor a.k.a. the (x) research supervisor, pharmacology things, neuroscience things that I should have at the tip of my hands. If I could handle Trevor, with his tall big frame and keen eyes looking down intently at yeh, waiting for an eternity, never letting you escape a question without an answer (we didn't call him Big T for nothing), I think I could handle my SPA interviewers tomorrow. Cause no one could possibly be more intimidating than Trevor, unless it's Yao Ming the basketballer, cause he's tall. LOL.
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So, screw studying. I'll just pray to God for eloquence and an abundant grace of expression. Ben's coming to pick me up later at 4-ish, Paul's not around boo hoo, while Van.. Van is with Kevin in the west. I have internet access and a Vietnamese movie to watch and I have That 70s Show, so I'll just hang out and take this is as a mini holiday of some kind.
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Off with my movie, and my ayam kentaki.

Boxes

2008-08-25T02:48:00.002+01:00

I just received word from dad. My boxes that I shipped home back in June are finally here. I only vaguely remember what's inside. You know what's cool? It'll be like opening 70kgs heavy treasure chest.

Grey's Anatomy: Vets are not real doctors anyway

2008-08-25T02:03:00.004+01:00

There's something about Btu, I think, that induces some kind of stupor in me. I told myself that I would not be idle when I get home, but old habits die hard, holmes, eh? At least last week I was coaxed out of my nice and comfy shell and went out for dinner with my girlfriends from high school. Went to that semi new place near that ye olde Chinese cemetery. Had my first pattaya in more than a year, but I still prefer Pakcik Amir's back in IMU canteen. We talked about the good days, and Sayn just started work. Lela and Najlaa are in their final year. Got a bit lost sometimes as they all did some kind of work with MLNG. I learned that a lot of the people I know are back in Btu, working. It is after all an industrial town. I also noticed an explosion of foreigners. The roads are getting busier, and there are also considerable amounts of foreign car plates (by foreign I mean not from Sarawak). To my amusement I've been seeing a number of Indians and a handful of Punjabis - certainly not the norm in this part of the country. Btu has changed so much within a year I think. The ex-pats are also back. Hmm.. They must be building a new plant or something. It's so congested.
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The past few days have been uncharacteristic - it's been raining a lot, when it's supposed to be the drier season. The rain.. drops, were not drops, they were angry bullets accompanied by lots of thunder. I like it. Much better than when it's hot and sunny, though I do like the sight of my room, with the curtains drawn back, bathed by the early morning sun.
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I'll have my interview with Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Awam this Friday in Kuching. I'm pretty nervous, but I'm trying not to think about it. After all, it's something everyone needs to go through, right? And I do need my provisional licence. It'll still be awhile before I start my posting though. Ame went for her interview in May, and she only got her appointment letter last week. But bottom line: I am grateful for this compulsory service thang. At least I don't really have to worry about getting a job.

Shopping weekend

2008-08-11T04:17:00.002+01:00

I know, this blog is so dead. That's because I've been busy taking over Ballas and Vagos hoods in GTA San Andreas. I know there's already a GTA IV, but I don't have it (yet), so.
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I was in KL just this last weekend to see sista off. The godbrother was with us and the two kept on poking each other in the ribs. My now working cousin was also there. Also met up with the gooses in Sushi King for lunch, and I was horrified, not because Michiebun and Lisha lost weight, but because Pris too lost weight, she's been working too much in the wards. Also met up with Dr Jeremy. It's weird to think, to process the fact that they are doctors now. They're pretty unconventional doctors, I think. Congrats, Jer, Mich and Vas!
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My academic transcript from Strathclyde just came today, and I'm finally able to send my application to SPA and Lembaga Farmasi. I'm nervous!

Celebrations

2008-07-21T01:43:00.002+01:00

My birthday was 2 Saturdays ago and I thank all who cared and remembered - I feel so loved. Many, many thanks all!
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I went back to the longhouse for the first time in 14 months just last weekend for a 'makai selamat' my family organized for me upon my graduation. I personally thought that there was no need, nevertheless, the plan was carried through. It was good to see almost everyone again - there were at least 300 people who showed up that night. It was supposed to be a "small" family affair, my longhouse, and a handful of my extended family members from other longhouses, which should only be about 150 people max, but somehow there were a lot of gate-crashers. Some I've never seen before in my life; one was a priest, Fr Connors, the missionary who's been serving in the Selangau parish for years; another was a catechist. I was more than a little tense and overwhelmed in the early evening, but all turned out ok (and as an added bonus we've got a priest to preside the prayer session LOL). I also got an unexpected bouquet and a basket of chocolates from Tuai, mom's eldest sister. I didn't get one during my actual graduation, both mom and I thought it wasn't practical bringing it home naik belon with me a few days later, chucking them out pula wasn't an option. I have to say, seeing a bouquet in the middle of a kampung in the khatulistiwa was super weird and out of place - but I love it. :)
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Thanks, mom and dad, and the whole family, for celebrating me.
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Clouds and Silver Lining

2008-07-15T03:11:00.002+01:00

I am currently still in the process of spring cleaning the study - there are books and random pieces of paper inside here that should be chucked out years ago. I don't know how bro manages to find his stuff among all the rubble (most are his). I'm also currently looking silly because of my lab goggles that I insist on wearing to prevent them dust from getting into my eyes. Been having allergic conjuctivitis since I arrived home and it's nasty. My antihistamine eye drops are running low.
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In the midst of all these cleaning and sorting out books, I found 3 pages of essay from 6 years ago. It's mine, and it's something personal that I wrote about my dad for Mdm Julia's Singapore English class. I got the highest mark that week in class but the essay was never read out (contrary to the class tradition), but I know Mdm Julia made a copy for herself to keep. I got a chance to read it again today - I've forgotten all about it until I found it. Reading it made me tear a little, and reminded me of all the childhood stories about him that I used to hear.
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We've been blessed. Mom and dad are now a long way from being dirt poor, but I think I take it for granted sometimes. It's good to be reminded once a while that education, honest hard work and will power are required to succeed in life, because I do tend to forget.

Hired

2008-06-23T19:10:00.004+01:00

I'll be officially jobless next Monday noon - cert in hand, but jobless. It's a good thing I'll be flying back just days after graduation. Else, I'll be bleeding money to keep myself entertained while the juniors have to go for 9 to 5pm labs and lectures. I don't envy them, Semester 6 was/is horrid. I just managed to secure myself an interim job though, so I'm happy. I was calling dad today and found myself in the almost hilarious position of having to make a pitch/proposition to dad. I was telling him that he got himself a bargain if he hires me because I can be the cook, maid, driver and tutor (for my brother). We're currently maid-less and still looking for help. He asked me how much my asking price was, I gave him a figure and dad went like, "Deal, you'll get it." I was so surprised at how easy it was, that I quickly pushed my luck a few ringgits higher. Y'know, just in case.

I didn't get it, but we both burst out laughing. So sue me, I'm greedy. LOL.

I know dad is just humouring me, but still, I hope I can prove my worth in the domestic department. I did consider trying to teach part-time, but I think I'll mati kongkiaw trying. Dad told me to just take it easy and not worry about anything after all the worrying the past one year, but I suppose it's just in my nature. I think it's fairly understandable that I start thinking about earning a keep at this phase. I'm not sure when I'm going to apply for my provisional registration.

Anyway, I'm such a t*rd, I forgot my parents' anniversary. I always always thought that it was on the 24th. Sis thought it was on the 26th. Bro doesn't even know which year they got married, let alone the date. Dad forgot. Mom been waiting since morning for anniversary wishes. She didn't get any until she brought it up.

Honest mistake, guys. Thought it was tomorrow. But anyway, happy 24th wedding anniversary!

Streaming Tears and the Book Thief

2008-06-21T17:29:00.002+01:00

I don't really see the point of learning history if we never learn from it, like we're supposed to. Nazi Germany was cruel - not only to (and especially to) de juden, the Jews, but also to its blond haired and blue eyed people. Not everyone rolled with Hitler. But for those who did, I wonder if they ever had problem sleeping at night. I wonder if there is even a speck of remorse or of horror as they watch the Jews marching down the streets, towards death. Starving souls and dead vacant eyes.

The magnitude of death back in that war was astounding. It's still difficult for me to comprehend why so many were allowed to die. You don't have to like everybody, but you should still respect them.

I like to think that they did, felt the horror of taking that many lives. I like to think that they were sickened and that their conscience keeps them awake at night. Because to act otherwise, ie, feeling nothing as the death toll increased would only mean that human can be inhuman, and that is a scary thought.

Hole in my pocket the size of Johnny Depp

2008-06-20T22:37:00.005+01:00

I know I've been rather quiet on this front, but it's been anything but that. We just got back from London this evening (where we saw Will Smith and Charlize Theron on the red carpet!) and there's only three of us left at home now. The other three are away already with parents and whatnot. J, S and I are still family-less sob sob. We spent the evening eating vegetables and beans to atone for the sins of having roast duck rice for the past two nights. While watching a chick flick. And I got mooned while doing dishes - and it took my breath away because my breath died in my throat due to shock - if such a thing is possible. Hmm. I've got unbecoming housemates.

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Anyway, we were supposed to watch musicals in London, but in the end we didn't. What we did do is waited a long long while for Will Smith to show up (and Charlize Theron is truly perfection even in real life), went make up shopping since the new Loreal lipstick invention is so amazing, went Chinatown-eating a lot, and went shopping shopping. I also came back with a framed black and white portrait of Johnny Depp from many years ago that I managed to snag at Covent Garden Market. I felt so ridiculous when I realised how much I loved the picture, so much so that I bought it (kinda reminded me of that time in college when I bought the Orlando Bloom poster) but whattheheck, Johnny Depp's now on my desk looking forever young in his scruffy jeans and then still long hair.

I so want to fake a signature - just for personal satisfaction. ;p

Mom I'm Bored! Holiday Tales

2008-06-11T06:42:00.010+01:00

We took the x8 yesterday to Silverburn in Barrhead for (initially) a day of window shopping. Keyword here is window, between us we bought dresses, vests, rochet top, ruffled top, earrings and necklaces and a tie. Silverburn was impressively huge, though of course it's nothing compared to the shopping complexes back home. It's funny how the shops are all the same everywhere - every township has DP, Next, Topshop and New Look, but one can still find something new to buy. Anyway, I was such an aunty that my first buy was a pepper mill - always wanted one of those (while others were trying dresses).

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Then we went to eat at Nando's. I kinda miss Nando's at Plaza Rakyat station.
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We've been eating out too much since we moved in to Birckbeck Court. Lama dah dapur kami enda berasap. In our defence, we don't have much food to cook. We had massive cook-outs nights prior to the move to finish off the food, considering the fact that raw meat and whatnot will go bad during our 4 hours of aforementioned homelessness under the sun.
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On Monday night we finally went to the Mongolian restaurant, Khublai Khan at Merchant City. We've been putting off the dinner since forever. I was super kemalasan, and took forever to get ready, so M wondering what was I doing quietly in my room asked, "Daphne you okay? (Did you) drop dead gorgeous?". *sweat* Ah, Miss Lame-o iteww, I'm gonna miss her rawakness. It turned out to be a surprisingly good evening (despite my "earrings crisis" - I wore different ones on both sides - Su May only pointed it out midway through dinner). For starters Di and I had yak ribs and I thought it was good. Between us, we had zebra, pheasant, venison, crocodile, kangaroo, wild boar and seafood for main courses. It was quite an experience, I must say. We get to pick our own raw ingredients - meat, vegetable and other accompaniments, as well as the seasonings and sauces. After we're done we placed our respective bowls on the counter for the chef to cook/barbecue. The traditional Mongolian way is supposed to be using blades over an open fire, or something like that, but I'm not sure if that's what the chef did. Didn't stay on to watch at the barbecue area. It did remind me of teppanyaki though.

For dessert, we tried everything on the menu - white chocolate cheesecake, banoffee, sticky toffee pudding and ice cream, saffron ice cream and cappucino mousse with lemon shortcake. It was easy considering there were 6 of us and only 6 desserts on the menu. Everything was to die for, but the best was the creme brulee. The first time I tried creme brulee years ago, it was so sickeningly sweet that I thought I was put off for life. Di reckons the creme brulee was even better than the ones from Harrods.

The waiter was amused at our ooh-aahing. The flat does feel increasingly like a sorority.

Listening to: Bee Gees' Too Much Heaven

2008-06-09T16:07:00.003+01:00

I'm going canoe-ing this Saturday! Joy is me! Loch Lomond's Get Active Festival will be on this weekend, and Mich and I been meaning to go to the loch for quite a while now, so we're going. They have hiking, cycling, and abseiling as well - all sounds fun. The last time I went I so wanted to canoe but nobody was up for it, so I'm super excited - if you can't already tell. We'll also be going out with Gareth this Friday for a celebration as he also made it through his exams. The pharmacy juniors are also flying in from Malaysia tomorrow and due to arrive on Wednesday - so I'm also excited to see Adeline and Ben's girlfriend again. .

My family wants me to put up pictures from Ireland vacay of yore, but I'm too lazy to deal with the pictures. I just moved in to a smaller and cozier flat, I like it better here. It's less noisy than our old residence hall, no more drunks singing loudly in the middle of the night. The lounge cum kitchen also has floor length windows and you can see it the shady leafy tree just outside the building. I could probably touch a few leaves if I try hard enough to extend my fingers that extra few centimetres - me likey, because it's so comforting. The moving day was no(t much) fun though. I had very little sleep trying to pack the last one year of my life into boxes and bags the prior night. In fact, I've been doing that for the past 2 weeks leading to the move. We were homeless for about 4 hours because we can't get keys to the new place until after the hired cleaners were done - so we were all lying down on the grass or resting in the shade of the alleys with all our possessions. It wasn't a pleasant experience - being filthy and sweaty. The worst part is that we got the highest floor again, the fourth floor. I still can't believe how we managed to huff and puff our crap up the stairs - but we did.

It finally feels like a holiday now that we've settled down again.

Conclusion

2008-06-05T01:48:00.004+01:00

All things considered, I had a blessed, happy and fairly successful 4 years. I'm not getting a distinction nor a merit, but in return I've gained other things, other experiences that I would not trade for the world.

But there you go guys, I will be graduating, I will be a pharmacist.

Given another chance, I still wouldn't do anything differently. I studied, and I had fun. Although after attaining the ultimate goal, I feel a bit at a loss, and a now-what kind of feeling. I don't know yet what I'm going to do with my pharmacy degree, but we'll see where this next few years will take me. But for now, good riddance, pharmacy. I'm glad despite the love-hate I have for you, I made it through. It feels like this isn't exactly what I want to do - but then again, I might love it once I enter the clinical years. I envy M though, she knows what she wants next, she wants to go into visual arts, like she always wanted to. I hope I have her courage to pursue my own interests.

But in the meantime, be happy for moi! Aku dah lepas ari nyawa baya!

Alone

2008-06-01T23:34:00.001+01:00

Selamat Ari Gawai to me.